Whatever it takes
by strwbrygrl77
Summary: Sequel to "It's too late" - 2nd in Trilogy. Mary gets life-altering news but before she can come to grips with one change, her entire world falls apart.
1. Chapter 1

***Hi Everyone! Did you think I had forgotten about you all? Never! Here we go - the sequel to "It's too late". After that story, as you well know, there were plenty of loose ends to wrap up as well as the fact that all of us (including myself) were left wondering 'What in the HELL is Mary thinking?' So the Mary muse in my head (who is like a bouncing five year old) is itching for her say - and I'm letting her out to play now! This story is going to be from her POV and starts the day she finds out she's pregnant.**

***Disclaimer - I still own nothing but the plot line of this story and the characters of Karen, her kids, Elizabeth Mann, and Maggie. IPS isn't mine, obviously!**

***This chapter is lovingly dedicated to BuJyo - it's her birthday today! And thanks for all the support in reviews (somehow you always manage to review FIRST most of the time) and the bouncing back in forth of ideas. YOU rock!*

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**"_It is said that the present is pregnant with the future."—Voltaire_

"_Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant." –Jim Cole

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There were some women who had motherhood carved in their bones, implanted in their DNA, who handed it down from one generation to another. Jinx was _not_ one of these women and the only thing she had handed down to me was a baby sister. From the time daddy walked out the door when I was barely seven years old, mom's constant companion was a liquor bottle. Every time Brandi cried, she would look at me with bleary, bloodshot eyes and implore me with slurred speech to see what I could do to make her stop. Therefore I instantly became the mother: changing diapers, making bottles, and doing laundry; while Jinx drank until she passed out in a pool of her own saliva.

It was these early pictures of motherhood that soured me on the idea of ever wanting children of my own. Happily ever after didn't exist outside of those fucking fairy tales my daddy used to read to me at bedtime before he kissed me good night. I had begged him to read 'Cinderella' over and over because it was my favorite. He read it the night he left, leaving a shattered glass slipper and an irreparable hole in my heart behind.

I really don't have anything against children – I just have a hard time relating to them. Especially babies; I mean what's the attraction? They spit up, poop, cry, and drool – sounds like fun, right? But adults go absolutely crazy for them, including my partner. He loves his niece and nephews, especially Katie. She has him wrapped around her little finger. And as far as kids go, she isn't too bad. Her mom, Karen, has actually become my friend and that's something I never thought would happen. I don't make friends easily, especially with women. Especially women with children; her kids even call me Aunt Mary! I really do have to admit that they aren't that bad. Raph has seen me interact with them and I think he's getting crazy ideas in his head about us having a family. I'd better sit him down soon and let him know that kids are not on my agenda.

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_**August 7, 2009 9:15am**_

I stubbed my toe and stumbled on the edge of Marshall's desk as I swung through the locked door of our office, which caused my carefully balanced muffin that I had placed on top of my coffee to wobble precariously.

"Shit!" I swore as I hopped on one foot from the pain and clutched my breakfast to my chest.

"Good morning, sunshine," Eleanor smirked at me from her desk.

I glared at her and hobbled to my desk, glancing at Marshall's empty desk on my way. "Where's my partner? He's always early." Flopping into my chair, I began to peel the wrapper from my muffin.

"Been here and gone. He and Stan went to talk to ICE about two green cards, one of his and one of yours," Eleanor said as she got up and moved towards the copy machine.

I sipped my coffee and racked my brain. As Eleanor dropped a file on my desk, I snapped my fingers. "Maria and Juan!"

"And here we thought you wouldn't remember until after you'd finished your morning coffee," she quipped and her boot heels tapped smartly as she moved away.

I had just popped a piece of muffin in my mouth when my cell rang. As I swallowed, I took a look at the caller ID: _Dr. Mills_. My eyebrows rose in surprise as I picked up. "This is Mary."

"Hi, Mary, this is Dr. Mills. I have the lab results from your physical this week."

"Did something unusual come up?"

"Well, remember you talked about feeling fatigued, some breast tenderness, and the fact that you missed your last menses?"

I felt a chill come over me and suddenly I wasn't hungry anymore. "Yes, I remember. Is there a problem?"

"No, but I ran an extra blood test and ran the results twice to be sure. Congratulations, Mary, you're pregnant."

I had never been so glad I was sitting down before. As it was, I had a moment where I thought I might slide out of my chair to the floor because I was so shocked. I felt Eleanor's watchful eyes from across the room and tried to keep it together. "You're sure?" I whispered, as I spun in my chair so I was no longer facing Eleanor. I stared out the window, into the New Mexico sky and prayed that I would wake up soon. This had to be a nightmare. Dr. Mills was talking again and I tried to focus on her words.

"I know it's short notice but if you could come in this afternoon at three o'clock for an ultrasound, we could make sure everything looks good and see just how far along you are."

I gulped. This couldn't be happening. I could not be pregnant. Raph and I always practiced safe sex. Even the one time I had slept with Marshall, he had used a condom. _Oh God, how far along am I? This baby is Raph's, isn't it? I mean, Marshall and I only had sex once!_

"Mary? Are you there?"

I jumped. "I'm sorry, this is a surprise."

"I quite understand. Can you make the appointment this afternoon?"

I turned back to my desk and looked at the calendar. "Yes, the afternoon is clear. I'll be there." As I hung up I wondered how the hell I was going to make the time pass between now and then. And how I was going to avoid Eleanor's burning curiosity?

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_**3:30pm, Dr. Mills office**_

I stared at the image frozen on the screen in disbelief. The tiny bubble that looked like a peanut could not be a baby – and it definitely could not be inside of me. I shook my head. This wasn't happening. I kept expecting one of two things to happen at any moment. One, my alarm would sound and I'd wake up from this nightmare or two, men with video cameras would pop out and tell me that I was on some new version of Candid Camera.

Dr. Mills slipped back into the room and chuckled at my frozen expression. "Still think it looks like a peanut?"

I nodded dumbly.

"Well, most of my patients tell me that. I think it looks more like a jelly bean, but to each their own. Here's a picture of the ultrasound to take with you. Just to recap, going by your hormone levels, your last period date, and the size of your "peanut", you're about six weeks pregnant."

I took the paper from her hand and tried not to flinch as the words "six weeks" rang in my ears. I had counted the weeks back on the calendar this morning after getting the call from Dr. Mills. My one and only night with Marshall had been six weeks ago. Closing my eyes I willed myself not to be sick right then and there. I twisted my engagement ring around on my finger nervously and Dr. Mills caught the movement.

"How do you think your fiancé will take the news? Will he be as shocked as you were?"

I bit back a nervous giggle. Raph had always wanted children – he couldn't wait to start a family. He would no doubt be thrilled that I already had a bun in the oven. He would _not_ be thrilled when I told him that the baby might not be his.

"Dr. Mills, I have a question."

"Go ahead, Mary. First-time mothers have a lot of questions. What is it – cravings? Morning sickness? Child birth classes?"

_Geez, will this woman let me get a word in edgewise? She's going to send me into a panic attack about things I can't think about right now. I'm going to sound like such a slut when I ask this – someone who's ready for the Jerry Springer show. After all, I don't know who my baby's father is! Oh God, I'm having a baby! _The room spun and I sat down heavily on the only chair in the room.

"Mary? Are you all right? Just breathe, ok?" Dr. Mills voice came from a distance, but she sounded concerned and kind and I tried to focus on it.

"Sorry about that. I haven't really eaten much today – I've been too tied up in knots and this news has really thrown me," I murmured.

"Mary, you really must take care of yourself. There are going to be days when you don't feel like eating much because of the morning sickness but you must try to eat small bits throughout the day, all right? After all, you're eating for two now."

I placed a trembling hand on my still flat stomach. I remembered going into Brandi's room to answer her cries, looking into her upturned face through the bars of her crib and vowing then and there to always take care of her no matter what. Now I had another little life entrusted to me, one that was growing inside of me and was even more helpless and dependent on me than Brandi had been in the beginning. _Don't worry, Peanut. I'm here._

"I will take better care of myself, Dr. Mills. I promise. But I was wondering if you could tell me about how you test for paternity."

Dr. Mills forehead creased in confusion. "But surely your fiancé-"

"I don't know who the baby's father is. So, I'd really like to discuss when and how the procedure to establish paternity is done."

"Ok, Mary, let's go over the options."

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_**4:30pm, The park**_

I drove straight to the park after my appointment. It had become my thinking spot, even though I had never bothered to discover what the name was – I had been drawn to it for a very simple personal reason. Shortly after moving to Albuquerque, I had received another letter from daddy. It had just shown up in my mailbox, like all the others before, with no return address and no forewarning. I had stuffed it in my purse and gone for a drive. Since I didn't yet know the city that well I got lost and had no idea where I ended up but just as dusk was falling, I found myself driving by a park. I walked to the swings that reminded me so much of the ones that daddy had pushed me on all those years ago in New Jersey. It was there on those swings that I found the courage to pull out the letter and read it.

As I crossed the playground today, it was covered with kids since the summer break was coming to a close in another month. Wanting to be alone with my thoughts, I spied a picnic table several yards away from the chaos and slowly made my way over there. Avoiding the petrified bird droppings, tree sap, and other unidentifiable blotches I managed to find a clean spot to sit on the table top. A slight breeze stirred my hair and I leaned back and closed my eyes.

"Aunt Mary!"

I opened my eyes in time to see twin blurs launch themselves at my legs and I chuckled. _So much for solitude, _I mused as I looked up and saw Karen coming towards the picnic table. She was lugging a huge picnic basket and had Jamie perched precariously on her hip.

"Kare, let me help you," I said as I jumped to my feet and ran towards her. Her eyes registered relief as she smiled at me. I hesitated slightly before I reached out and took the squirming ten-month-old from her arm. I tickled his tummy lightly and he fell against me with a giggle. My heart warmed and I wondered for a moment if I would have a boy. Looking up, I caught Karen's surprised gaze.

"What?"

"Nothing, Mary. I just thought you would take the basket. You usually don't interact with my kids at this age," Karen shrugged her shoulders and headed for the table where Katie and Tommy were bouncing impatiently.

I sighed and looked down at Jamie, who had drooled on my shirt. "Hey, slugger. Don't get used to this – you just caught me in a weak moment." I walked back to the table. "So, what's going on here?"

"We're having a picnic, Aunt Mary! Will you stay and eat with us? Mommy always makes lots and lots of food!" Katie looked up at me with her big brown eyes.

"Yeah, Aunt Mary, stay! No one gives underdogs on the swings like you do!' Tommy chimed in.

I smiled and raised my eyebrows at Karen. She was spreading out a blanket under a tree and placing toys on it for Jamie but she turned back to me with a smile. "We'd all like you to stay, Mary. It's been awhile since we've seen you." She turned back to Katie and tugged on her braid. "It's a good thing I asked Uncle Mars to bring more potato salad, huh?"

I nearly dropped Jamie in my surprise. "Marshall is coming?"

"Is that a problem?"

I whirled at the sound of his voice. _Damn his ability to sneak up on me! _I fought to get my racing heartbeat under control and clutched Jamie tighter to me, as if he was a shield. My eyes swept over his appearance, noting that he'd taken time to go home and change. He didn't look like my partner, US Marshal Marshall Mann. Dressed in cut-off jean shorts and a fitted white tank top that showed off his muscles and his tan, he looked like Uncle Mars. He set a large container of potato salad on the table as Katie flew into his arms. I watched as he scooped her up and she wound her arms his neck. Katie kissed his cheek and Marshall grinned at her. My stomach flip-flopped. _Maybe I want a little girl. Maybe I want the baby to be Marshall's. What the HELL am I thinking? I have to get out of here. _

Clearing my throat, I walked over to the blanket and set Jamie down; he immediately reached for a toy and pulled it towards him. I sensed Marshall's presence behind me and slowly turned.

"Since when do you spend time with Karen's youngest?" His blue eyes pierced mine questioningly.

I swallowed, searching for an answer that wouldn't reveal my secret. I nearly smiled in relief when my cell rang. "Excuse me, you know I have to get that." I stepped away from him and Karen's family. "Hello?"

"Mary, thank God! It's Sarah Dimson. I'm calling about Johnny." I had to bite my tongue to keep from swearing. This kid was going to end up with a rap sheet soon and expose his family's new identity in the process.

"What now?" I clenched my teeth and noticed Marshall snap to attention out of the corner of my eye.

"They just called from APD – a Detective Dershowitz? He's holding Johnny, something about marijuana! Mary, he's a good boy-"Sarah broke off and started sobbing into the phone.

I bit my tongue harder, tasting blood, as I remembered that there were children present and I _really _couldn't swear at this moment. "Sarah," I said but the sobs continued. "Sarah! Just try to hold it together. Marshall and I will figure it out." I snapped my phone shut and turned to my partner.

"Don't tell me, your gun is in your other pants, right?" I smirked.

He quirked his eyebrows at me. "Don't tell me, Johnny's in trouble again?"

I grabbed a handful of potato chips and waved at Karen. "Saddle up, Mann."

Behind me, I heard him start making apologies to Karen and the kids. As I walked towards the Probe, my hand drifted down to my stomach. _Better get used to this now, Peanut. Mom and Dad are always going to be getting called away in the middle of things to go rescue fucking idiots because it's our jobs. _It wasn't until I was peeling out of the parking lot that I realized that I had referred to myself as a mom for the first time.

It wasn't until I saw Marshall climbing out of his truck at the police station, back in his marshal attire, that I realized I had also referred to him as my baby's father.

I leaned against the closed door of the Probe as the air left my lungs and my eyes fell on my engagement ring. _Shit, I am so screwed.

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***Hm, who wouldn't Marshall to father their child? Reviews, please! We're just getting started!**_  
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	2. Chapter 2

***I'm glad you guys liked the beginning! I can't believe that Mary _wouldn't _be freaked out if/when she found out she was pregnant! Now that I've let the Mary muse out to play = she's on a roll. Here's another chapter. Keep reading and reviewing - you all are definitely feeding the muse when you do!*

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"_When something is missing in your life, it usually turns out to be someone." - Robert Brault_

"_Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." - Anonymous

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_**August 8, 2009 12:30am**_

It was another long night at the police station, but this time Marshall had me at his side as I bullied and chewed Bobby D out. In the end, Sarah had been proven right about her Johnny: the weed wasn't his. But his eyes were opened as he was forced to face the truth that his 'girl' and her friends were bad news. Her fingerprints were found on the bag and one of her girlfriends had flipped and said that they were dealing to the school. Johnny's girl was still claiming her innocence and trying to cling to him tearfully when Marshall and I separated them and dragged him out of the station around midnight. Johnny insisted on riding with Marshall to his house. I followed in the Probe and talked softly to Peanut, telling him or her that they would be lucky to get out of the house before their 21st birthday if they pulled stunts like this.

Sarah fell on Johnny the moment he stepped out of Marshall's truck. I locked eyes with Marshall and found that we were both looking for his dad, Jack. When no one else emerged from the house, I turned back to the mother and son.

"Sarah, where's Jack?"

Sniffling, she pulled away from Johnny to rest her forehead against his. "He went for a drive a little while ago. He does that to clear his head, calm down."

I shot a look at Marshall and met his concerned gaze. "Do I need to go find him, Sarah?" Marshall asked.

Sarah looked at Marshall and smiled. "No, he won't do anything stupid, Marshall."

We got Johnny settled in his room and then talked about what had happened at the station. Sarah was just asking about relocation when Jack came in the door and joined us. So we talked about options but for the moment decided just to start Johnny at a new high school next month. Security would be higher for awhile as a precaution but Jack and Sarah were comfortable with that. Since Jack had testified three years ago and no threats had been made against him or his family, Stan was comfortable with not relocating the family at this time. But Marshall and I both made it clear that Johnny needed to stay out of trouble and not become a juvenile delinquent.

It was nearly two o'clock in the morning before I got home. Marshall insisted on following me – something I thought was excessively overprotective and unnecessary until the Probe broke down and I got stranded five miles from home. Cursing, I got out of my car in time to see him casually leaning against his truck with a huge smirk across his face. I gave him the finger and climbed into the cab.

"If you weren't such a fucking boy scout, I would think you'd sabotaged my car and planned that whole thing to rescue me," I muttered.

He laughed. "Mer, have you looked at that piece of crap you drive lately? You really need to trade it in for an actual car in the very near future."

I stared out the window and tried not to shiver as I realized that I was pregnant and what could have happened to me out there alone in the middle of the night. _Get a grip, Shannon! You have two guns and can bring a man to his knees with your bare hands. You've survived for years on your own before Marshall and you'll survive for years after, especially if this baby isn't. . . . _I couldn't complete the thought and I shivered.

"Mary? Are you cold?" Marshall reached out and turned up the heat. We pulled into my driveway and I noticed Peter's car was still here. There were lights still on in the living room and I sighed. I was really hoping everyone would be in their beds by now so I could just slip in unnoticed. I really wanted to tell Marshall to turn the truck around and go to his place. But as I opened my mouth, I remembered the last time we had talked; the pain in his voice when he told me how mad he was that I had told Raph about WitSec – about us. In his eyes, I had betrayed our partnership and I had no idea how to fix it.

"Marshall? Are we ok?"

He sighed next to me, but didn't say anything.

"I know that I really hurt you by telling Raph about WitSec. I didn't think about it from your perspective – that I was telling your secret, as well as mine. Are you still angry with me?"

"It takes a lot of energy to stay angry with someone. It takes almost a superhuman effort to stay mad at you, Mary Shannon," he smiled sadly but still didn't meet my eyes.

"You're not mad at me anymore?" My heart lifted in hope.

"No, I'm not." He cleared his throat. "But I am hurt, Mer." He turned his eyes to me and the pain in them made my breath hitch in my throat.

"You're the last person in the world I'd ever want to hurt, string bean."

"I know. But I don't think you realize how much you've hurt me over the years." He looked away and cleared his throat again. "Things are changing, Mary. You're getting married and now you've made a conscious effort to let Raph into your heart by telling him what you do for a living. I think it's time for me to make some changes too."

My heart dropped to my boots. "Things don't have to change just because I'm getting married, Marshall. I've already told you that. You're my partner. I don't want things to change" _Too many damn things are going to change in the next eight months. How the hell do I tell you that I'm pregnant? And, oh yeah, it might be yours?_

"Change is inevitable, Mer, you know that. I just think it's time for me to make some, too."

A chill skittered down my spine. I really didn't like the turn this conversation had taken. When had it gotten so out of control? It almost sounded like he was leaving – no, damn it! He had promised me. That was not an option! I knew that I had hurt him deeply not just because I'd spilled the beans about WitSec, but because of his feelings for me.

"Marshall, you have to know that even though I don't care for you the way you care for me," I saw him flinch but I pushed on, determined to say the words. "Doesn't mean that I don't care for you with all my heart." Tears pricked at my eyes and I blinked them back in astonishment. Was I experiencing hormonal fluctuations already?

Marshall's jaw clenched as did his hands on the steering wheel. "Good night, Mary."

My mouth fell open and a few of the tears slipped down my cheeks. "That's it? You're not going to say anything else?"

He shook his head wearily. "It's late and we're both tired. I'll see you at work Monday."

Anger rose within me and I reached for the door handle. His hand on my arm made me pause.

"Do you need help getting your car before then?"

I shook off his hand, opened the door and got out. Standing on my driveway I said, "No, thanks. Peter's here. Maybe I'll look into getting a car this weekend from him. Night, Marshall." I slammed the truck door.

Watching as he roared off down the street, I wiped at the tears on my face. Why did I have a sinking feeling that I had just lost something precious?

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_**10:30am**_

I had managed to dodge Brandi's and Jinx's numerous questions about why I was so late and what had I been doing and why Marshall hadn't come in with me when I stumbled in the front door. Peter tried to get me join them as they finished watching "Rocky IV" but I begged off and stumbled towards my bedroom. Raph was waiting up for me, reading in bed, and I knew what he was waiting up for. I got into sleepwear that covered me from head to toe and slapped his hands away, rolled onto my side away from him and promptly fell asleep.

I awoke hours later to sunlight streaming across my bed and Raph trailing kisses down my neck. His fingers were working their way under my sleep shirt, moving up and around towards my breasts; I poked him in the ribs and scooted towards the edge of the bed.

"Mary, querida, let me love you," he pleaded.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not in the mood, Raph. Why don't you go make yourself useful and see what's in the kitchen for brunch?" I closed my eyes again and snuggled back into my pillow.

"How about a kiss good morning first?" He asked as he rolled me onto my back and pressed his chest against mine, his breath hot in my face.

I scrunched my face and turned away. "Not until you brush your teeth, you have horrible morning breath."

With a long sigh, Raph released me and climbed from the bed. "You really know how to kill the mood, Mary. I've been trying to make love to you for weeks and you keep telling me you're too tired or you're not in the mood. What's a guy to think?" The bathroom door shut and I heard the shower come on as I rolled over and hugged a pillow to my chest, pondering his words. We'd had sex since I'd slept with Marshall, hadn't we? Of course, it had been later that same day.

"_Quit being such a big baby, Marshall, and pick where you want to eat tonight!" I said as I rolled my eyes at him from my desk. "I know I ran out this morning without doing the dishes and my offer still stands to do them tonight but you and I both know that they're already done."_

_Eleanor looked up from her paperwork and glanced between us. "I didn't think you knew how to wash dishes, Mary."_

_I gave her the finger. "As a matter of fact, I'll have you know that I'm a champion dishwasher. I just don't cook."_

_Marshall sipped his coffee and grinned evilly at me. He waited for me to lift my own mug to my lips before saying, "That's ok, baby, you light my fire and cook just fine in other rooms of the house."_

_I spewed coffee all over the Jackson file on my desk as Marshall and Eleanor laughed. Flushing hotly, I looked at Marshall giving him my best 'what the fuck' expression but he just looked innocently at me before returning his gaze to the computer screen. I was considering sending him an instant message when my cell rang. Looking at the caller ID, I grimaced when I saw that it was Brandi but knowing that I couldn't avoid her forever, I picked up._

"_Hey, Squish."_

"_Oh my God, Mary, you have to help me! Peter's back in town and he wants to take me out to a fancy restaurant tonight and hear all about the trial and stuff and I'm completely freaking out!"_

"_Yeah, I can hear that. Take a deep breath and tell me what the problem is."_

"_I really like him, Mary, and he's gonna totally freak out on me and bolt when he hears about the meth and your kidnapping and my no good drug-running ex-boyfriend Chuck-" her words ended in a sob and a hiccup._

"_Squish, breathe!" My eyes met Marshall's across the room and I noticed that he was waiting for a signal from me. I shrugged my shoulders and mouthed the word 'Peter' and watched his shoulders relax. He smiled slightly and turned back to his computer, knowing all was well since my sister wasn't under arrest again._

"_I was kinda hoping you and Raph would come along as back up support – you know, make it a double date."_

"_What? I don't know, Squish. I don't go to those fancy places." I heard Marshall snicker in the background and I made another rude hand gesture at him._

"_Please Mary, you have that nice black dress in your closet that you wore to some art gallery opening last year."_

_I frowned. The dress I wore to Jay Arnstein's art gallery? "I guess that would do. Have you even asked Peter and talked to Raph about this?"_

"_Peter has already made the reservations for the four of us and Chico is renting a tux right now!"_

"_Geez, Squish, why'd you even call me?" I asked my voice heavy with sarcasm._

_She laughed. "Because I really am nervous – and I wanted to make sure you were home in time to get ready! Be home no later than six, ok?" _

_I stared for a minute at the phone in my hand before I pushed the end button and looked up to meet Marshall's dancing eyes. "I think I just got hustled by my baby sister."_

_Peter did take us all to a very nice restaurant. I'll never remember the name but that's okay, because I highly doubt that I'll ever eat there again. The menu didn't have prices and I was glad because I'm sure I would have lost my appetite. After we had eaten our appetizers and we were waiting for our entrees, Brandi, with some assistance from me, managed to fill Peter in on her colorful relationship with Chuck and the drugs. She even told him about the baby and giving him her bear, Biscuit. No one's eyes were entirely dry by the time she was finished._

"_Do you hate me? Do you never want to see me again?" Brandi whispered as she nervously played with linguine on her plate._

_Peter reached across the table, capturing her hand and raising her chin to met his eyes. "No. We all have made mistakes and have skeletons in our closets. Do you have any more I should know about?" he said this last part with a teasing tone._

_Brandi shook her head._

"_Well then, let's eat before our food gets cold."_

_Peter and Brandi stayed to dance and linger over dessert; I begged a headache and asked Raph to take me home. When we were safely speeding away from the restaurant and I was shaking my hair free from the elegant twist Brandi had insisted I wear, Raph looked at me and said,_

"_You don't really have a headache, do you?"_

"_No, the lovebirds were just making me nauseous and my feet were aching from these stilettos that Brandi forced me to wear."_

"_I think you look sexy, querida."_

"_You clean up pretty nice yourself." I ran my hand down the sleeve of his tux jacket._

_Jinx was out with friends so we had the house to ourselves. Raph pounced on me as soon as we got through the door, sucking on my neck, reaching and pulling the zipper of my dress down. His hands were everywhere, in my hair, on my neck, running just under my bust line. My stomach turned over as his touch brought other images and feelings to mind. The images of Marshall's hands brushing against my ribs, of his hands sliding over the skin along my waist, lifting me towards the top of the bed, his tongue meeting mine. . . ._

_I twisted away from Raph, trying to catch my breath. What the hell was wrong with me? Why was I thinking of my partner when I was about to have sex with my boyfriend? Why did the touch of Raph's hands suddenly feel 'off' to me – the touch that usually ignited a fire in me tonight was leaving me cold and longing for another's touch._

_Raph was not idle during the time I was pulling myself together. He had stripped off his tux, laying it carefully on the back of the couch. He was standing before me now in his boxers and a pair of black socks._

_He sauntered towards me, the predatory light in his eyes leaving me in no doubt where we would be ending up tonight. "I think you're over dressed for the activity I have in mind, querida."_

'_I'm all in, baby.' Marshall's words from hours before flashed across my mind and I bit my lip to make a conscious effort to block the images from my mind._

_Giving Raph a hungry look, I stepped out of my stiletto heels and swung them from my fingertips. I started down the hallway but called over my shoulder, "You gonna make me do all the work, big boy?"_

_Raph tackled me and had me stripped before we reached my room._

My morning reverie was interrupted by the shrill ringing of the phone. When I picked it up, a female voice babbled incoherently at me in Spanish.

"Un Momentito," I begged, employing one of the few phrases I knew. "RAPH! Get your ass out here! Someone's on the phone for you!"

The bathroom door flew open to reveal my fiancé wet and glistening from the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist. He was towel drying his hair. "I'm not deaf, Mary." He strode across to the bed and took the phone from my outstretched hand. "Ola?"

I listened to one side of a very animated conversation in Spanish. Raph sat down heavily on the bed after just a few minutes. I had no idea who was on the other end because everyone in Raph's family was female. Seeing that this was going to be a long talk, I shuffled into the bathroom for my own shower. When I emerged, I stood in shock to see Raph throwing clothes haphazardly into a suitcase.

"What's going on here? Was that a frantic call for you to flee the country?"

"Not now, Mary!" He growled and threw some more shirts into the case, then moved past me into the bathroom. I stood in the doorway and watched him gather his personal toiletries in a bag.

"Raph, who was on the phone?"

"My Aunt Rita. Mom's appendix popped like a balloon this morning and she was rushed to the hospital. She's in surgery. I have to go." He ran past me and threw the bag into the suitcase, then shut and zipped it shut.

"Of course. Do you need a ride to the airport?"

"Mary, your car isn't running, remember? Peter's still here, he's going to give me a ride. I asked him to get you a car too." A protest rose to my lips but Raph grabbed me by the shoulders. "Mary, it's time to get a car that runs. I don't want to worry about you being stranded somewhere while I'm gone, ok?"

I nodded weakly, silently thinking about Peanut.

He dropped his hands and picked up his suitcase. "Thank you, querida. I'll call when I land." He stepped close to me and pressed his lips to mine. "I love you."

He was gone before I could respond. Before we could get into an argument about the fact that I never said the words back to him.

* * *

***So Mary slept with Raph the same day she slept with Marshall - that definitely complicates things, no?**


	3. Chapter 3

***So, in this story I'm not going to do too many song lyrics because the couple I use, well, I want them to make an impact. This song, I found on YouTube, is used very effectively as a backdrop for the shooting on SMK - one of my favorite TV shows and my first ship couple, Lee and Amanda. If you don't know the song - look it up - but you'll want a hankie! As you might for this chapter too!**

****A/N: Spoiler alert for "Don't Cry" - however this is where the train leaves the tracks quite a bit since in this story universe, MARSHALL is the one that gets shot. Hmm, will this be enough to open Mary's eyes?  
**

* * *

"I'm not quite sure how to breathe without you here  
I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to say goodbye to all we were  
Be with me  
Stay with me  
Just for now  
Let the time decide  
When I won't need you  
My hand searches for your hand  
In a dark room  
I can't find you  
Help me  
Are you looking for me?"

-Need, by Hana Pestle

* * *

_**August 9, 2009 11:59pm**_

The only sounds in the sterile hospital room were the beeping of the various machines and the quiet whirring of the ventilator attached to the pale, still face of my partner Marshall Mann. I grasped the hand that wasn't attached to the IV drip and tried not to let my tears fall onto his skin. I needed to call Elizabeth Mann. I needed to call Karen before she heard about the shooting on the late evening news and put two and two together and came crashing through the hospital doors demanding answers. I needed to call Bobby D and see if the shooter was still alive. I needed to see if that spook Day had finally arrived and carted Francesca off to some other unknown location. I needed to wake up and discover that this was indeed just a horrible nightmare.

I leaned down and placed my wet cheek against Marshall's hand. _This can't be happening again. You weren't even supposed to be there. You were supposed to be out on some date. You know that I can take care of myself, string bean. Why, why did you come back tonight? When you dropped me off at my house early yesterday morning, we had no idea the FBI would call us in to work for the weekend and things would get so out of control. Then again, with the FBI involved, I should have expected things to go sideways._

I raised my head and brushed Marshall's hair back from his forehead. At least his skin was warm again. I shuddered, flashing back to sitting in the dark, on the cement, trying to stop the flow of blood and feeling his skin cool beneath my fingertips.

"Marshall, I know you can hear me," I whispered, leaning close to his ear. "You promised not to die for me once, remember? I'm holding you to that, string bean. You cannot quit on me. Not now, not ever. You have so much to live for, more than you know." I choked on the words, and my other hand stole down to rest against my stomach. "But I'm not going to tell you about it when you're lying in the hospital with a hole in your gut."

A shadow fell over me and I looked up. Marshall's ICU nurse was looking down at me in concern. "I'm sorry, but he needs to rest. I'll come get you in another hour if we haven't taken him up for surgery yet."

I opened my mouth to protest but then I remembered all the phone calls I still needed to make. "One hour, string bean." I pressed a kiss against his temple and left before my tears escaped again.

* * *

_**August 8, 2009 2:15pm**_

I was actually enjoying my first Saturday without appointments and the fact that I was fiancé free. Brandi and I were sunbathing by the pool, relaxing with virgin daiquiris when my cell phone rang. She laughed, saying something about how she knew it was too good to last and I groaned while giving her the finger.

Seeing that it was Marshall, I answered with familiarity. "This had better be good, numb nuts, because I'm sunbathing in the nude and have no desire to put clothes on."

There was silence from the other end and I instantly felt guilty. Now that I knew the extent of his feelings for me, I really shouldn't tease him quite so much.

"Well, you better put something on because I'm going to be there in about five minutes."

I shrieked and sat up, wrapping a towel around me.

"Are you really naked?"

"Just topless, and I was on my stomach, pervis. Why are you on the way to my house?" I groaned as I padded my way to my room. "Don't tell me we're getting called in on the weekend?"

"Blame the CIA – it wasn't Stan's idea."

"Damn spooks!" my voice was muffled as I slid a top over my head. "Where the hell are my boots?"

"Are you decent? Can I come in?"

"Are you here already? Why the hell are we still on the phone?" I hung up and knelt down to look under my bed to look for my boots. A few seconds later I heard the front door open and shut.

"Mer?"

"Just a sec, I can't find my boots. Here's one-"I crawled to the other side of the bed.

"And here's the other."

My head popped up from the other side of the bed to see my partner leaning against the doorframe, swinging the boot from his hand. He tossed it onto the bed and I felt his eyes on me as I pulled them on. I stood and looked about the room for the first time, seeing the open empty drawers and discarded clothes left behind from Raph's hasty departure.

"What the hell happened in here?" Marshall's eyebrows rose.

"Hurricane Raphael blew through on his way to the Dominican Republic," I shrugged as I headed for my bathroom. "His mom had to have emergency surgery – her appendix burst. So the doting son rushed home to be by her side."

Marshall muttered something I didn't catch as I came back into the room. "I'm ready except – where the hell are my guns?" I looked about the room for a moment. "Be a good boy and find them for me?"

He shot me a look. "What am I, your butler?"

I smirked. "No, you're my sidekick."

He sighed. "That's my girl."

_Maybe we'll be okay after all, _I mused as I watched him lift a stack of Raph's shirts.

* * *

_**August 9, 2009 9:10am**_

I rolled over in bed and moaned, wondering why I felt so exhausted on a Sunday. As consciousness slowly seeped into me, images flashed behind my closed eyelids: the CIA calling us in on the weekend, meeting Francesca, and staying up into the wee small hours with her listening to stories about revolutions while fending off her countless pleas for me to join her in drinks and cigars. No wonder my head was spinning! At least I had only sipped at her homemade sangria and puffed a few times on the cigar. I rubbed my still flat stomach. Such a small amount wouldn't have adverse effects on Peanut, right? I groaned again. I was already fucking up this motherhood thing terribly.

My cell rang and I reached to pick it up from the nightstand. "This is Mary," I whispered.

"Planning on coming in today?" Marshall's too awake and too chipper voice sounded in my ear.

"Give me a break; I was with Francesca until five am."

"Well, you might want to check on her this morning. She's moved herself to a new location."

I collapsed against the pillows as I got the particulars from Marshall. My vigilante "witness" had relocated to one of the worst drug neighborhoods in the city. _Why me? Why can't I get the ones that stay in the nice houses with the nice security systems in the safe neighborhoods? No, I have to get the ones that are fucking crazy and have death wishes and causes!_

Since I had taken a company car last night, I had wheels. After assuring Marshall to reassure Stan and therefore Day that I was en route, I hung up. I dressed in five minutes and went to the kitchen to grab a bagel when the image on the TV in the front room made me freeze. It was Raph, big as life, selling Peter's cars! He was surrounded by cheerleaders and rambling in Spanish and he looked like a smarmy idiot. Brandi turned from her place on the couch with a big smile on her face.

"Isn't he great?" my little sister beamed.

"When did he do this? I thought we discussed this and I – we told Peter no!"

Brandi looked surprised. "Peter upped his offer and Raph changed his mind. He wanted it to be a surprise for you."

I stormed out the door. "I'm surprised, Squish, and you know how I feel about surprises."

Marshall and I were less than thrilled with Francesca's new location – but she was ecstatic. She said it was just like home and my words about these American boys being nothing like the boys back home fell on deaf ears. While she was busy carting boxes into the house she wanted to live in for the next three months, I called in a complaint to APD, hoping for a black-and-white to make a patrol. Marshall said he had a "date thing" and I told him to have fun with the guy. He laughed and left but I had the distinction impression he wanted to stay and watch my back in this neighborhood. Thinking about Peanut, I felt a tremor of foreboding but I shook it off.

I took Francesca to a local bar and grill for dinner, drinks, and dancing. I had the dinner; she tried to get me to do everything else with her. Laughing, I reminded her I was on duty and I begged off. I did share a bit about Raph, especially when his commercial flashed across the big screen TVs and I flushed with embarrassment. Francesca was impressed and couldn't understand what my problem was. We walked back to the house and I made sure to lock us in tight. I made a call to Bobby D, following up on my earlier call since the drug activity was still in full swing. He reminded me that my location was not the only one in the city experiencing action tonight but then he said he would see what he could do. I thanked him and hung up.

* * *

_**9:25pm**_

I was fiddling with the remote control for the TV when trouble came knocking. It was Mario, the punk from across the street that Francesca had been friendly with earlier in the day. He was thirsty and wanted to come in for a drink. But from his breath and gait, I knew that he had already had plenty to drink and had other things in mind, so I told him to leave. He kept banging on the door but Francesca pleaded with me to ignore him, saying that he would get bored and go away.

When I heard Bobby D's voice outside, followed by Mario's, I told Francesca to get in the bathroom and stay there. I joined Mario on the porch and told him it was time to leave, giving him a helpful shove off the porch to get him started. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bobby D standing by his car, gun drawn, ready for action. Then I saw movement from across the street as Mario's homeboys started to come join the party.

"Bobby! Crossing the street!" I yelled. I saw him swing around, raise his gun, and tell the group to back it up.

Mario started to taunt me. "It's seven to two. Not good odds, chica."

There was movement beside me. "Count again, Mario: seven to three. Step off," Marshall ordered, his voice quiet but intense in the darkness of the night.

_Marshall, what the hell are you doing back here?_

"Go join your friends," I added.

In the distance I heard Bobby shouting, "Back to the fence! Turn around!"

Mario started to back away from us and Marshall stepped slightly in front of me. My eyes darted behind Mario as I caught the flash of something in a street light.

"Gun!" I yelled as I reached for the glock I had put in the back of my pants. I fired my weapon just as I felt a body collide with mine and I fell to the ground.

"MARSHALL!" I screamed.

"Marshall! Mary!" Bobby yelled as he came running over with his phone in hand, already dialing for an ambulance. "Mary, are you hit?"

I scrambled out from under my partner's prone body, shaking my head. "No, he stepped in front of me. Oh God, Marshall!" I saw the bullet wound in his abdomen for the first time, with all the blood flowing out. Bobby shrugged out of his jacket and gave it to me. I applied pressure to the wound and tried not to cry when Marshall didn't even stir.

"This is Bobby Dershowitz with Albuquerque PD. We have a Code 108, officer down, I repeat, officer down!"

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bobby stride over to another body lying in the street. I watched as he bent over him and spoke into the phone, relaying further information before hanging up. He returned hurriedly to my side.

"Is that the shooter?"

Bobby nodded.

"Dead?" I asked out of necessity. I couldn't care less. I hoped like hell he was.

"He's alive, barely. One bullet in the knee, the other slug in his upper chest; two ambulances are on the way."

Francesca suddenly appeared at my side. "Mary, is he ok?"

My head popped up. "Does he fucking look ok?" My hands shook and I looked down to see they were covered in blood.

Francesca gasped and looked at my shirt. "Mary, are you hurt?"

I glanced down briefly. "No, I'm fine. It's his – it's all his blood." The tears ran down my face unchecked. "Get in Bobby's car, Francesca, and stay there."

"Why? Am I under arrest?"

"God help me, if I could think of something to charge you with your pretty ass would be spending the night in the clink." I paused to rein in my emotions. "You'll be safe and out of the way in Bobby's car and you need a ride to the hospital because that's where I'm going and you're stuck with me for the time being."

Francesca nodded as the sound of sirens filled the air. Several of the spectators beat a hasty retreat and if I wasn't so preoccupied I would have found that damn funny.

Bobby escorted my witness to his car and I placed a kiss on Marshall's lips. "You cannot quit, string bean. You promised me, remember that."

The EMTs needed all the room in the ambulance to work on my partner so I had to ride with Dershowitz too. As the ambulance doors shut, the last thing I heard was they had lost Marshall's pulse.

* * *

_**9:45pm**_

Bobby dropped Francesca and I off at the emergency room doors and said he had to rush back to the police station to start answering questions and filling out paperwork. He caught me to him in a swift, tight hug that I didn't fight and he whispered in my ear to call him as soon as I knew anything. I nodded and steered Francesca into the emergency waiting room.

Stan was already there, pacing. He took one look at me and pulled me to him.

"Thank God you weren't hurt, Mary."

"Marshall took the bullet for me, Stan. He wasn't breathing-"I broke down in sobs and felt my knees buckle. Stan's arms tightened me and I clung to him like a child.

The last time Marshall was shot, my mother had provided comfort. Though I had been worried about my partner and the nightmares had been intense for awhile afterwards, deep down I had remained confident he would be fine. Tonight as I applied pressure and watched his blood seep through my fingers and heard the EMTs say they lost his pulse – I had felt lost. He had been the one to bring me into WitSec. He had stayed with me, been my partner for the last six years, when no one else had even lasted one. How was I supposed to do this job without him?

Marshall was my best friend – my _only_ friend. He knew when to push me, when to let me be. He knew that I really did like some girly things, no matter how much I tried to deny it. He knew all my flaws and insecurities and that I liked to spar with him to work out my anger after a hard day. He even knew me well enough that the one and only time we had had sex he knew exactly how I liked to be touched.

I shivered and squeezed my eyes closed as my sobs began to recede. _You can't die on me now, Marshall. I don't think I can go on without you._

Stan helped me to a chair and got me some coffee. Francesca was staying on the other side of the room, avoiding eye contact. I chuckled silently. _Good idea, chica, because if you come over and offer comfort I'll rip your pretty head off for putting us in danger in the first place._

Time stopped. I have no idea how long we waited to hear from someone before a world weary doctor in blue scrubs finally came in with a status report. He looked sympathetic, but grim.

"Mr. Marshall Mann has lost a significant amount of blood from a gunshot wound to the abdomen. He was in full cardiac arrest when he came in but we managed to shock his heart back into a normal sinus rhythm and I have clamped off all the bleeding that I can." He paused for breath and looked at me and Stan for a moment. "But before I can continue, we need to get his blood volume up to an acceptable level and get his heart stabilized. He's on a ventilator for now in ICU. I'll check his condition in a few hours to see if I can continue with surgery."

"Doctor, what about brain damage?" Stan asked quietly.

"At this point, I just don't know. Please, I would recommend that you both get some sleep. Mr. Mann has a long road ahead of him and you both will need to be rested." He stood to leave.

I grasped his arm. "I need to see him. I'm his partner, Mary Shannon, and his emergency contact. He has no other family in the area."

The doctor looked down on me for a few moments in silence. "Let the nurses get him settled and we'll see. It would only be for a few minutes every hour or so, you understand?"

I nodded. "That's fine. I really just need to sit with him for a bit."

"I'll see what I can do to make that happen." The doctor nodded and left.

I collapsed back into the chair and wearily placed my head in my hands. Stan placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Mary, I have to make some phone calls. Will you be all right for a few minutes?"

I nodded, not trusting my voice. Stan whipped out his phone and went into the corridor. Glancing at Francesca, I noticed for the first time she was curled up on two chairs, sound asleep. Curling my lip in disgust, I picked up a magazine from the table and tried to distract myself.

"Miss Mary Shannon?"

"Yes?"

A pretty young nurse stood in front of me holding a plastic bag. "These are Mr. Mann's personal effects. I understand you are his partner and his emergency contact?"

"I'll take them." With trembling hands, I took the bag from her and placed it on the seat next to me and watched the nurse leave.

I had no desire to open the bag and see my partner's blood soaked clothing. But then I wondered if his ankle glock was still in there and I decided I had better find out.

On the top of clothing pile laid Marshall's government ID and his marshal star. The tears began flowing again as I traced the edges of the shield.

"_I'm a fifth generation Marshal."_

The words from six years ago rang in my head as if he had spoken them yesterday. He had spoken them with so much pride, so much love. There was nothing else he had ever wanted to be. His parents had thought he wasn't tough enough. I snorted. My partner may look like a string bean, a push over, a walking encyclopedia that would rather quote trivia than fight. And perhaps that was true. Fighting was something he knew how to do and he could do it well, but that didn't mean he _enjoyed _doing it. That's what he had me for – that's why we were the perfect partners.

I lifted his ID out of the bag, looking in the soft black leather for the chain. Finding it, I attached it to the star and slipped it around my neck. His chain was longer than mine, causing his shield to rest on my belly just over my unborn child. I smiled.

_This isn't where your story ends, Marshall, not now when I could be carrying a sixth generation marshal.

* * *

_

***Mary can 't believe that ****Marshall took a bullet for her - really? What's his mom going to say? Karen? Katie? Wanna find out?***_  
_


	4. Chapter 4

***So, I haven't written a post S3 finale one-shot yet. I'm having too much fun writing this story, which rewrites S3 and eliminates Faber altogether! HAHAHA**

****A/N: Mary has a confrontation, two phone conversations, and something is revealed at the end of the chapter. Enjoy!

* * *

**"_A good friend is cheaper than therapy." – Anonymous_

"_A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself." – Frances Ward Weller

* * *

_

_**August 10, 12:05am**_

"Marshal Shannon!"

I had just turned the corner to enter the waiting room after leaving Marshall's room when I was stopped by Day's voice. He and Francesca were standing in the hallway deep in conversation that suddenly broke off at my approach. I slid my mask back in place and stalked over to the pair.

"Well, it's nice of you to finally show up, Day. We could have used your presence _before _Francesca moved herself into the worst drug neighborhood in the city and _before_ she managed to get a US Marshal shot," my words, though whispered, were clipped and carried venom.

"Day's presence could not have prevented what happened, Mary," Francesca interjected softly. "You overreacted, just like so many others in my country do by judging those with brown skin."

"Listen here you south-of-the-border bitch!" I turned on her, releasing my pent up worry, fear, and guilt of the past few hours, letting it come crashing down around me. "Marshall was there tonight to cover me because that's what partners do – but he wouldn't have needed to do that if you had just stayed where Day put you in the first place. You keep saying that this is my fault for overreacting. Well maybe I should have just left you there alone to get yourself raped!"

Francesca gasped and I felt an arm tug me back a pace.

"Mary, that's enough," Stan murmured in my ear.

"This is the United States of America, chica! I think I know better than you do what was going down across that street and what those homeboys really wanted to do with you tonight. If I had let them do it, maybe you would be the one in there fighting for your life-"

"Inspector! That's enough! Let's take a walk," Stan pulled me further back but I shook out of his grip. Breathing hard, I backed away from the group and started to walk down the hall.

"You'll be lucky if I don't report Inspector Shannon for harassment of a federally protected witness!" Day taunted my boss.

Suddenly I heard the sounds of a scuffle and I peered over my shoulder to see that Stan had the taller man pinned against the wall, his arm across his throat. Day's eyes were bulging out of his sockets; I tried not to laugh.

"You've royally fucked up this operation from the beginning and now one of my best marshals is in the ICU with a hole in his gut. I highly recommend that you cut your losses and take Francesca and get the hell out of Dodge, Day."

Stan released him and without a word Day grabbed Francesca's elbow and left. I watched as Stan held his defiant posture until they were out of sight before his shoulders slumped. Leaning against the wall, I waited as he walked towards me.

"Mary-"he began.

"I lost it back there, sorry," I shrugged.

He lifted his head in surprise. "Why don't I believe you?"

"I don't know, chief, why don't you?" I tried to smile but it felt forced. "I have to call Marshall's folks – unless you already did?"

He shook his head. "No, I've been on the phone with Bobby and the CIA, trying to sort out this mess with Francesca."

I winced. "I am sorry for the headache it's causing you, Stan. What did Bobby say?"

"That you and Marshall are in the clear – he'll swear that the other guy shot first. He's still in surgery, by the way."

"I'm just glad we injured him enough so he couldn't run because I never got a clear look at him. Marshall was blocking my view-"the words got stuck in my throat as tears pricked my eyes again.

Stan tactfully changed the subject. "Have you called your house to let them know you're ok?"

I sighed. "No, I just don't want to deal with the Brandi and Jinx drama team. They both care about Marshall too, so I know I should. But I have other phone calls I need to make before calling them."

Stan nodded in understanding. "I think the waiting room is empty now. I'm going down to the cafeteria to see what I can grab from the vending machines. Do you want anything?"

I started to shake my head but then I remembered Peanut and the promise I had made to my doctor to take better care of myself. Sighing I said, "Bring me back some chocolate and a sandwich if you can find one."

* * *

I stared at the cell phone in my hand for ten minutes, trying to decide who to call first: Karen or Elizabeth? Knowing that I needed to call them both, I knew good and well that I was stalling. Scrolling through my contact list, I pushed the send button and waited.

"Hi, Mary! You're calling awfully late tonight."

_Ah, the wonders of Caller ID! It takes all the mystery out of who's calling._

"I'm sorry to be calling so late, Elizabeth. I hope I didn't wake you?"

"No, dear. I was just heading to up to bed. Seth went to bed hours ago. He got in late last night and has been sleeping most of the day away, trying to catch up on all the sleep he missed out on while on the road."

My heart began to beat faster. Marshall's father was at home? Though I had never met the man, I knew he and his son had a somewhat strained relationship. I was really glad that Elizabeth had picked up the phone, but I knew I needed to break the news to both of them and I didn't want to repeat myself.

"Elizabeth, I hate to have to do this, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to wake up your husband. I need to speak to the both of you."

I heard her sharp intake of breath. "What's happened? It's Marshall, isn't it? Is he-"

"No! He's not dead, Elizabeth. Please, just wake up Mr. Mann. I'll hold on."

I heard her set the phone down and I waited what felt like an eternity before I heard an extension pick up.

"This is Seth Mann."

"Hello, Mr. Mann, this is Mary Shannon. I'm your son's partner." I swallowed nervously. "Is your wife back on the line?"

"I'm here, Mary. We're both here, ready to hear what you have to say."

_Oh God, how did I say this? I had promised her that I would do my best to keep him safe and now he's upstairs in this hospital fighting for his life. _

"Marshall was shot tonight in the line of duty."

Silence.

_Great, Mer. Elizabeth has probably fainted and his father is in shock. Why, oh why, haven't you been blessed with some of your partner's tact yet? How I wish I was there to see their faces. Doing this over the phone is not the way to break this sort of news._

"What happened?" Elizabeth whispered.

"Beth, she can't discuss official marshal business with you," Seth admonished softly.

"Elizabeth, we were doing our jobs and Marshall got shot while protecting me," '_and my baby', _I added silently.

"How bad is it?" Seth asked.

I swallowed again. "He was shot in the abdomen and lost a lot of blood. He-"I hesitated, but decided to tell them everything. "He coded in the ambulance but the doctor shocked his heart back into a normal rhythm. Right now he is in ICU on a ventilator. The doctor is waiting for his heart to get stronger and his blood volume to build back up before he operates on his wound." The tears were spilling down my cheeks but I was determined not to start sobbing on the phone.

"We'll be on the first flight in the morning," Seth stated and then there was a click, signifying he had hung up.

I heard soft sniffles coming over the wire and it about broke my heart. "Elizabeth, I am so sorry."

There was a small pause before the sniffles stopped. "Mary Shannon, you stop that right now. I'll not have you blaming yourself for this."

"Elizabeth, he was there because of me. He took the bullet for me."

"Well, of course he did. He's your partner."

"But – he shouldn't have been there! He told me he had a date and then all of a sudden, there he was!"

Elizabeth chuckled. "That sounds like my boy, riding to the rescue. He would never leave you high and dry. Partners don't do that. Remember the last time? How you told me he pulled himself up and fired his gun with a 'sucking chest wound' I think you called it? He will always protect you, Mary."

I sighed. "You don't know what the past couple of months have been like. Things between us have gotten – well, complicated. Since my engagement to Raph, nothing's been the same. If he should-"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence! My boy's a fighter and his love for you will pull him through this."

I gasped.

"Did you really think I didn't know how he felt about you? You're all he talks about."

My head was spinning. Here I had called Marshall's mom to break horrible news to her about her son and she had turned around and started to comfort me.

"Could you adopt me? Seriously, you have been a better mother to me than my own has ever been," I leaned wearily back in my chair and rubbed my stomach. What would she think if I was to tell her that I was pregnant and it might be Marshall's? That it might be her grandchild?

Elizabeth chuckled again. "Mary, I've thought of you as a daughter since we met. Didn't you know that?"

I shook my head, realizing belatedly that we were on the phone and she couldn't see me. "No, I didn't. But then, Marshall says I often miss the obvious."

"And he's right. Now, I want you to do something for me, ok? Actually two things," she added.

"What?"

"As soon as they take Marshall for surgery, you need to get some sleep. The surgery is going to take awhile and you might was well be sleeping while the doctors are working on him, right?"

I swallowed. Part of me knew she was right but I knew that as soon as I lay down to sleep, it would only be a matter of time before I woke up screaming from the nightmares.

"I will try and get some sleep, Elizabeth. What's the second thing?"

"Try not to blame yourself. Marshall was doing his job as your partner – and you would have done the same thing. Seth and I don't blame you for what happened. It comes with the job."

I grunted. "Unfortunately."

"Give my boy a kiss for me, ok? We'll be on the early flight, Mary." Elizabeth paused to take a deep breath and I could hear how close the tears still were. "Tell him I love him."

* * *

_**1:15am**_

Stan brought me a tasteless cold cut sandwich and an ice cold Coke from the vending machines. I managed to eat half the sandwich before my stomach rolled over in protest and I stopped, fearing the food would come right back up. As I sipped my Coke, I asked Stan if the shooting had made the late evening news and he said that there had been a brief mention of a local law enforcement officer getting shot but the name was withheld. I sighed. It was a vague report and the hour was late but I decided to call Karen nonetheless. She answered her cell on the second ring and I was surprised to hear her sound wide awake at this hour of the morning.

"Mary? What's wrong?"

"Karen, it's Marshall."

"Oh God."

I heard crying in the background and it didn't sound like Jamie. "Kare? What's going on over there? That doesn't sound like Jamie."

"It's not – it's Katie. She woke up from a nightmare a few minutes ago. It was about Marshall."

I felt a chill run down my spine. I knew that the two of them had an amazing connection, but this practically bordered on a telepathic bond. I struggled to focus on Karen's words.

"She went to bed upset because Uncle Mars called earlier and said he couldn't come to dinner and she had gone to all the trouble to make cookies for the first time. She cried herself to sleep. But then she woke up screaming and I haven't been able to calm her down since. Mary, is he-"

I washed down the waves of guilt. Marshall hadn't had a date after all. He was supposed to have had dinner with Karen and the kids. Katie had made cookies and cried herself to sleep when Uncle Mars had canceled. If it was possible, I felt even worse knowing he had broken a little girl's heart to come watch my ass and had gotten shot for his trouble. "No! Karen, Marshall's not dead. He was shot in the abdomen. He stepped in front of me and took the bullet."

I heard her sigh. "Is he in surgery?"

"No, he's not stable yet. Karen, he coded in the ambulance. I thought I lost him tonight-"I broke off as my tears escaped again.

"Mary, he's a fighter. He'll be ok. Come on, I can only handle one crier at a time, please!"

I managed a weak smile as I listened to Katie's muffled sobs over the phone. Then I heard Karen talking to her and she came back to me. "Mary? Katie really wants to talk to you – she's worried about you, too. Can I put her on?"

I agreed and after a pause I heard, "Aunt Mary? Are you crying too?"

I smiled in spite of myself. "Hey, kiddo. Yeah, I got scared tonight just like you."

"Have you seen Uncle Mars?"

"Yes, about an hour ago. He has a tube to help him breathe but he's okay. I think the doctor will be taking him to surgery soon."

"Are you ok? The bad guy didn't hurt you?"

"No, kiddo. Uncle Mars protected me," I choked out.

"Can I come see him?"

"Well, let's talk to your mom about that, ok?"

"Ok." Katie sighed. "Will you come see me, Aunt Mary?"

I swallowed in surprise. While Karen's kids called me 'Aunt Mary', it was Marshall they had bonded with. Katie's request caught me completely off guard.

"Well, I don't know when I'll be leaving the hospital."

"Please? I want to see you."

I felt a tug on my heart. _Is this what it feels like to be a parent? _"How about I call you when I'm leaving here?"

Katie seemed satisfied with that response. Before she handed the phone back to Karen she said, "I love you, Aunt Mary."

I blinked in shock.

"Mary, are you still there?"

"She's never said that to me before."

Karen chuckled. "Caught you by surprise, didn't it? She may not be as open in her affections with you as she is with Marshall but that's because she can read you like a book. She knows you're not the touchy feely type. But she's always loved you."

I sighed. "I'm not good with saying the words."

"I know that, Mer. Actions speak louder than words, anyway. Those of us who know you, know you love us without you having to say the words."

"Even Marshall?" The words were out before I could check them.

She sighed. "You do love him, don't you? The problem is, you're not ready to admit to yourself how much you love him."

My vision grew blurry once again. "I can't lose him, Kare."

"And why is that, Mer?"

"Because I –"I choked. "I just can't."

"Mary, can I ask you a question?"

"I guess."

"Who was the last person you actually said the words 'I love you' to?"

I squirmed. "I don't remember."

Karen laughed. "Is that 'it's been so long I don't remember' or 'I don't want to talk about it so I don't remember'?"

"The second one." I mumbled.

"I see."

"Look, Kare, I'm not like you and Marshall and most of the people on this planet who had somewhat healthy, happy childhoods. At least you didn't have a gambling father who walked out when you were barely seven and an alcoholic mother who couldn't pick herself up off the floor. I didn't have a picture of 'family love' when I was growing up – I have no idea what that looks like. Happily ever after existed only in the story books my father read to me. I learned very early on that it was better to go through life without saying 'I love you' because people who said they loved you ended up leaving you anyway. And if you didn't say 'I love you' to them, it didn't hurt as much when they did leave – and everybody leaves."

There was a pause before Karen said softly, "So the last person-"

"My father, ok? The last person I said 'I love you' to was my father. Those were the last words I said to him."

* * *

***Oh, Mary! No wonder those words are hard for her to say. . . . Will Marshall stabilize for surgery? Will Mary ever go home? Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

***You all liked my post S3 one-shot SO MUCH and now my Mary muse is clamoring for one from her POV (I'm telling her to be quiet and focus on THIS story, but we'll see!). **

****A/N: Mary finally goes home, for a moment, and takes a baby step at the end of the chapter. What? Growth? ;) Enjoy!**

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**

_Can I feel anymore?  
Lie to me, I'm fading  
I can't drop you  
Tell me, I don't need you  
Etch this into my brain for me  
Tell me, how it's supposed to be  
Where everything will go  
And how I'll be without you by my side_

_-Need, by Hana Pestle

* * *

_

Stan refused to leave me alone at the hospital. I knew that he had mountains of paperwork to do but he was adamant in his refusal to leave until he knew that Marshall had stabilized for surgery and that I was headed home to sleep.

The nurses let me see Marshall every hour for fifteen minutes. It wasn't enough time. I wanted more. I _needed _more. There was a giant clock above his bed and I watched it like a hawk the entire time I was in the room. I etched the time into my brain so that I knew exactly when the nurse would be back to tell me my time was up. For the first two minutes I would simply sit by his side, holding his limp hand in mine, and scan his face for any sign of pain or consciousness. How I wanted those deep blue eyes to open and reassure me that everything was going to be ok, that he would try not to die _for me. _For the next eight minutes, I babbled like a brook about anything and everything I could think of. Usually a woman of few words, this was extremely difficult for me. But I also hate those silences that just stretch on forever, the kind where you're just waiting for the other person to say something, anything. Marshall was so just so good at filling those silences with all his random bits of trivia. I gave him no end of grief about it but sometime, somewhere along the way I had secretly started to love it and even on occasion ask him to share his knowledge with me as a means of distraction from the silence.

The last five minutes I spent brushing his hair back from his forehead and telling him how much he had to live for. "Your folks are on the way and your mom sends her love. Katie is just beside herself, Marshall. You – you can't leave her, you know. She needs you. She loves you." I heard footsteps in the hall and knew I had to wrap things up. "I need you too." I brushed my lips against his cheek and stood up.

Eleanor arrived with breakfast and coffee at 5:30am. My eyebrows rose slightly as I watched her wake Stan with a kiss but I said nothing as my mouth was full. Stan took the paper cup from her and brushed her lips with his again.

"Thanks, hon."

She smiled at him and came to sit next to me. "How are you doing?"

I shrugged as I crumbled a bit of the muffin in my fingers. "I'm hanging in there. Thanks for the breakfast – hope the chief didn't interrupt your beauty sleep."

Eleanor arched an eyebrow. "You honestly think I slept last night? Who do you think has been holding down the fort all night so Stan could be here?"

I gaped at her.

"Knock it off, you two," Stan growled from across the room. "We're all operating on zero sleep and worried about Marshall. Let's try not to attack each other, all right?"

Before either of us could respond, the waiting room door swung open and Marshall's doctor came in. All three of us jumped to our feet.

"What is it? Is Marshall-"I trailed off as the doctor smiled.

"Marshall is stable enough for surgery, Miss Shannon. They are taking him to the operating room right now." He frowned slightly. "Now, the surgery is going to take some time. I urge all of you to go home and get some sleep. I have your phone number, Miss Shannon, and I'll call you when the procedure is complete." He nodded and left.

My legs wobbled slightly under me and I knew that if I didn't get to a bed soon I would be collapsing on the floor. "Stan, I'm sure there's paperwork I need to fill out but I'd really like to get cleaned up first."

It was Eleanor who answered. "I've already started the paperwork. Most of it just needs your signature; there are a few details here and there but nothing that can't be filled in later."

I looked at her in surprise, then Stan who was grinning like an idiot at my expression. "Well, ok then. I'll be in later – _much_ later."

* * *

_**6:15am**_

The house was quiet and still when I opened the door and dropped my keys onto the table by the door. Glancing down, I saw the blood spatters on my clothes and decided to take a shower first. Throwing my filthy pants and top into the hamper, I stumbled into the bathroom. As I reached to turn on the faucet, I got a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror and I gasped. My hair was matted. My eyes were red, swollen, and bloodshot. My entire face had a pinched look about it and I seemed to have aged ten years overnight. Looking down at my hands, I saw that they were still shaking and that there was dirt and blood under my fingernails. As I stepped into the shower and let the hot water course over me, I tried not to hear Francesca's words in my head: _you overreacted. _Damn it! I slammed a palm against the shower wall. I should have taken Francesca back to the office and waited for Day when she pulled her stunt and moved to that neighborhood. Or I should have stayed the night with her . . . that way, she couldn't have moved out of the mansion with the state of the art security system in the first place. Either scenario would have prevented my partner from getting shot. But I had _not_ overreacted to that neighborhood, no matter what Francesca thought. She thought those boys were just like her boys back home, I snorted. Her ignorance would have gotten her seriously hurt last night. I knew that without a doubt and so had my partner. That's why Marshall had returned to offer backup – and he had paid dearly.

I was pulling my hair up into a ponytail when I heard the floorboard creak just outside my bedroom door. Stepping out of the bathroom, I saw Brandi standing in the doorway.

"Hey, Squish, I hope I didn't wake you," I said softly.

"No, I've been listening for you. I was worried when you didn't come home last night and you didn't call."

I sat down on the bed to pull my boots back on. "I should have called but –"my voice broke off and I looked up at her. Patting the bed, I continued. "Come sit next to me for a minute."

Brandi flew to my side. "What's wrong? What's happened?"

"Marshall was shot lost night. He's in surgery now."

Her hand flew to her mouth and tears flooded her eyes. "Oh, Mary! Is he – is it bad?"

I rolled my eyes. "Is a gunshot wound ever good, Squish?"

The tears were spilling down her cheeks now. "I mean, is it worse than last time?" she sniffled.

I bit my lip to keep it from trembling. "Yes. Last time he was shot in the shoulder. Last night he was shot in the stomach and he lost an awful lot of blood," I felt my own tears building again. _Damn it, no! I will not break down in front of my baby sister!_

Brandi was still sniffling. "Why didn't they take him to surgery right away?"

I sighed. "The doctor said they had to wait for his heart to get stronger – for him to stabilize. You see, his heart stopped –"at this point a sob escaped my throat and Brandi threw her arms around me.

"He's gonna be ok, Mary. He's strong. Remember last time? He didn't give up then and he won't give up now," Brandi crooned as she rocked me back and forth.

For a couple of minutes, I allowed myself to be comforted by my baby sister. But then I pulled out of her embrace and wiped furiously at my cheeks.

"I have to go." I picked up Marshall's shield from my nightstand and placed it around my neck once again as I strode from the room.

"Where? Mary, you need to get some sleep," Brandi followed me, her voice laced with concern.

"I need to pick up some things from Marshall's house and make sure his guest room is ready for his parents. They should be getting in around ten this morning. Then I need to go to work for a bit before heading back to the hospital."

Brandi grabbed my shoulders, halting my progress briefly. "You need to rest before you collapse. And Chico called for you last night. He said he'd call you later."

_Raph. _I glanced down at my engagement ring and my thoughts briefly flitted to Peanut. There was so much I needed to talk to him about but I'd be damned if I was going to tell him about it over the phone when he was in a different country! And I realized with a guilty start that I hadn't given my absent fiancé a second thought since his departure.

"When he calls back, please tell him to call me on my cell because I don't know when I'll be home."

Brandi nodded.

"Thanks, Squish. I promise to keep you posted about Marshall, ok?" I opened the front door.

"Promise me to get some sleep too!" she called.

My slamming of the door prevented me from seeing her pick up the phone.

* * *

_**7:05am**_

For a moment, after I unlocked Marshall's front door, I stood there and pretended. I pretended that he was asleep in his bedroom and I had come to get him because Stan wanted us in the office early. Or perhaps he was out on his early morning run and would be back in a few minutes to make me chocolate chip pancakes.

"_You leaving?"_

My words from that morning hung in the air. He thought I didn't know what he was doing. He thought I didn't know that he was sneaking out of bed to collect his thoughts, to mentally prepare for the day before facing me in the cold light of day. I felt bad for throwing myself at him that night, asking him to take my pain away, especially knowing what I know now. Knowing I had only magnified his pain to the point where he practically ran away from me when I entered a room.

And last night he had stepped into the path of an oncoming bullet for me; protecting me and my unborn child, possibly _his_ unborn child.

"_I need you to make the pain go away – just for tonight."_

Had my child – _our_ child – been conceived that night?

I slammed the door and moved into his front room, noticing how neat everything was. My favorite afghan, the one his mom made, was folded neatly and lying over the back of the couch. His remotes were lined up on the coffee table next to his science and astronomy magazines. On top of the pile was a thick book I'd never seen before – so I picked it up.

"_Frommer's Seattle 2009_," I read the title aloud. "What are you doing with a guidebook to the city of Seattle, string bean? You planning a vacation?"

Shrugging my shoulders, I set the book back down. I was looking for something to take to the hospital to read to Marshall while he was recovering but I didn't think a tourist book really fit the bill. As my eyes continued to wander the room, I noticed the spatter on the far wall. The glass shards had been swept from the floor and I had no doubt that Marshall had scrubbed the wall too, but I could still see the stain.

"_You are so wasted! How much champagne did you drink at my party?"_

"_I dunno. But this is my second bottle of whiskey."_

The night of my office engagement party; how many times had Marshall told me he loved me that day? Of course he had been drunk off his ass the second and third time he said it but did that make it any less sincere? Staring at the stain on the wall, I remembered the sound of glass shattering before I opened the door that night. _Oh God, Marshall is so in love with me and I – _

Closing my eyes against the new, foreign emotions surging inside of me I wandered towards Marshall's room. I stood at the foot of his bed. Of course it was made. Marshall never left his bed unmade. I was lucky to remember to pull the covers up in the morning. I mean, you're just going to get back in it at the end of the day so what's the point? Walking around to the head of it, I reached under his pillow and pulled out his pajamas. Lifting the dark blue shirt to my face, I breathed deeply of his scent, the heady mix of aftershave and cologne that clung to the fabric. I slipped my T-shirt over my head, letting it fall to the floor and pulled Marshall's pajama T-shirt on. I had just readjusted his shield around my neck when I heard knocking on the front door. I frowned, knowing that couldn't be Marshall's parents yet. Suddenly I heard the door open.

"Aunt Mary? Where are you?"

I emerged from the hallway to see Karen and Katie standing in the front doorway. "Karen? Katie? What are you doing here?"

Katie flew the distance between us and wrapped her arms around my waist. "I've been so worried about you. I couldn't sleep and then your sister called mom and said you were over here at Uncle Mars' house and I begged her to bring me over here to see you."

I looked at Karen.

"Brandi told us you looked dead on your feet, and she was right. What are you doing here?"

"I came to get some things for Marshall and to make sure the guest room was ready for his parents. They should be getting into town around ten this morning."

Karen shook her head at me. "The only place you're going is bed. You need to go right on in to Marshall's bedroom and lie down. I'll take care of the guest room."

My shoulders slumped. I knew she was right, but damn it, I didn't want to slow down, to close my eyes because every time I did I just relived last night.

"What's the matter, Aunt Mary?" Katie tugged on my hand. "Aren't you tired?"

Leaning down, I swung her up into my arms. She snuggled up to me in delight, as this was the first time I had ever been so openly affectionate with her.

"Your aunt is _very_ tired."

Katie's face clouded. "Then what's wrong?"

I stole a glance at Karen before I looked my 'niece' in the eyes. "I'm afraid to go to sleep," I whispered to her.

"You?" Katie asked, her eyes huge.

I nodded.

Suddenly Katie nodded. "You're scared of bad dreams."

This time my eyes widened.

"I had a bad dream last night. I didn't go back to sleep after. Uncle Mars is really good at chasing the monsters away," Katie stated.

I smiled. "Yes, he is."

"I'm scared to go back to sleep, too," Katie admitted, with a yawn.

"Well, I have an idea. Why don't you come and lie down with me? We'll take a nap together."

"Really? I can sleep with you?" Katie smiled.

I nodded as I glanced at Karen who smiled and nodded also. I walked back down the hall towards Marshall's room, Katie still in my arms. We climbed into the big bed. I lay on my right side and Katie snuggled against my front. Before she was completely settled, I lifted Marshall's shield from my neck and held it out in front of us so she could see it.

"You know what this is, Katie?"

"It's your Marshal star, Aunt Mary." Her fingers traced the points.

"Actually, it's your Uncle Mars' star."

Katie turned in my arms to look up at me. "Really?"

"Really. So since we have his star here, it's kind of like he's here to chase our monsters away while we sleep, right?"

"Right!" Katie squeezed me. "I love you, Aunt Mary."

I waited until her breathing evened out and the fingers that were curled around Marshall's star grew lax in sleep before I dared to whisper words I hadn't said in thirty years.

"I love you too, Katie."

* * *

***Gasp! Mary said those th****ree little words! Will she say them to anyone else? Wanna find out?**


	6. Chapter 6

***So begins the wait for Marshall to wake up - cause when he does the fun begins! Mary continues to discover her maternal side with Katie as she waits. . . .**

**Disclaimer: I don't anyone from IPS! But Karen and her kids, especially Katie, are MINE!

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**

'_Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."' ~A.A. Milne

* * *

_

_**August 10, 1pm**_

I awoke to find myself alone in Marshall's bed. My eyes felt gritty and my lashes were stuck together. Sunshine was streaming across the floor and I could hear the low murmur of voices coming from the kitchen. When I glanced at the clock on the nightstand, I sat up with a gasp that quickly became a groan. My muscles had stiffened up as I slept and were now complaining at the sudden movement.

Karen appeared in the doorway. "Afternoon, sleepyhead."

"Karen, you shouldn't have let me sleep so long. Where's my phone?"

"I confiscated it."

I rocked to my feet as my mouth fell open in surprise.

Karen held up a hand to ward off my tirade. "Listen, you needed the sleep! Katie woke up twenty minutes ago and you didn't even stir when she left. She's out in the kitchen with Elizabeth and Seth."

I swallowed. "They're here?"

She nodded. "They stopped by the hospital first but Marshall was still in surgery. The doctor called an hour ago. Marshall's in recovery – surgery went well. Now we wait for him to wake up."

The air left my lungs in a whoosh and I sat back down on the bed.

"Mary?" Karen crossed the room to my side and sat next to me. She gently placed an arm around my shoulders. "He made it – he's going to be fine."

I lifted my eyes to hers. "He coded in the ambulance, Kare. He lost so much blood. I tried to stop the bleeding but it just kept coming out of him-" I shuddered as I looked down at my hands, once again seeing them covered in Marshall's blood.

Neither of us heard Elizabeth enter the room. Suddenly her hands covered mine as she sat down on the other side of me.

"Mary," Elizabeth said softly.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered to her.

Elizabeth gathered me into her arms and cradled my head against her shoulder. "I'll hear no more talk like this from you, Mary Shannon, I mean it! Marshall is going to be fine. He came through the surgery with flying colors. He'll need us now through his long recovery. You've got to take better care of yourself, my dear."

I sniffed into her shoulder. _If you only knew that I had more than just myself to worry about. _Pulling away, I attempted a weak smile. "I'll try. Now that his surgery is done, Marshall should be in a regular room and I'll probably be spending most of my time there."

Elizabeth and Karen both shook their heads at me. It was Karen who spoke. "We'll all take turns, split the days into shifts. That way everyone gets rest."

Katie appeared in the doorway. "Aunt Mary, come have lunch! I helped mom make sandwiches!"

I wiped away any trace of tears. "That sounds great, kiddo. I'm starving."

* * *

The days I spent waiting for Marshall to wake up were the longest of my life, except for the year I waited and watched out the front window for my father to come home.

Seth Mann was tall, lean, and projected an attitude of "don't mess with this". He actually reminded me of a male version of myself and I silently wondered if that was how Marshall was able to put up with all of my crap so well. Seth didn't sit still very well; he often dropped Elizabeth off at the hospital and went to the Sunshine Building to visit Stan and see if he could be of any assistance while he was in town. I tried not to think less of him for this. Elizabeth told me he needed to feel useful and couldn't just sit around "twiddling his thumbs". Now that he knew his son was going to be okay, he needed something to occupy himself with.

Part of me felt the same way. I mean, I had always thrown myself into work to avoid dealing with the personal elements in my life. But Katie was clinging to me like I was her lifeline and the only way for me to keep my own nightmares at bay was to be by Marshall's side as much as possible. Stan reassigned our cases for the week so aside from dropping in on a few witnesses for their status reports, I haunted the hospital hallways.

I had found the book Marshall was currently reading on his nightstand. The title wasn't in English. When I showed it to Elizabeth, she laughed.

"That's 'The Count of Monte Cristo'. Marshall speaks and reads French, you know."

I looked at the book in surprise. "He was reading a classic novel _in French_?" I flipped the pages open and stared at the odd words. "I think I have this book at home. Good thing too, since I can't read a word of this!"

Neither Karen nor Elizabeth knew that I stayed nights at the hospital. The nurses on duty gave me hell the first night but I flashed my badge and showed them the book, explaining my purpose. The hours flew by as read about Edmond Dantes and his wrongful imprisonment. When dawn began to lighten the sky, I would close the book and give Marshall a kiss on the forehead. Promising him that I would be back after I got some sleep, I left before official visiting hours started for the day.

Raph got in touch with me the second day after Marshall's surgery.

"Where have you been, Mary? I've been calling and calling for days!"

"Things have been really busy here, Raph. How's your mom?"

"She's going to be okay but she needs to stay in the hospital for a week. And then she wants me to stay with her at home while she recovers. See, all my sisters are married and Aunt Rita-"

"Raph, it's ok. You're her only son. Of course you should stay and take care of your mom until she's back on her feet."

"Brandi told me about Marshall. How is he?"

I sighed. "He came through the surgery but he still hasn't woken up yet."

Silence. "I'm sure he'll wake up soon."

"That's what everyone keeps telling me."

"I'll call you later. I love you, querida." Click.

Brandi and Peter even came by the hospital one afternoon bringing a huge bouquet of wildflowers. While Brandi sat by Marshall's bedside and chattered away at him, telling him all about God only knows what, Peter drew me aside.

"Mary, I just wanted to apologize for going behind your back and getting Raphael to do those commercials. Brandi told me how upset you were."

I sighed as the image of my fiancé selling used cars while cheerleaders danced around him, waving pom-poms and their boobs, flashed in front of my eyes again. Those were images I hadn't thought of in days. Glancing at my partner on the bed, lying so pale and still, I sighed again. The world had tilted and shifted since then, putting so many things into perspective. I was pregnant, for one thing, and for another the man who saved my life was possibly Peanut's father.

_The man who saved your life – is that really all he is? _My inner voice chided. _Marshall has been so much more than that for years. He's been your best friend, partner, and for one night – your lover. He wants to be more. Do you want him to be more?_

I jumped slightly as Peter spoke again. "Mary, are you all right? You're really pale."

"I'm fine, just tired. Marshall's the only one around here getting any sleep," I tried to smile. "Don't worry about the commercials, Peter, I know you were in a bind. I wasn't thrilled but Raph and I will work it out."

Peter nodded as Brandi joined us. She slung an around his waist and put her head on his shoulder. "I still don't know what your problem is. Chico did a great job and the commercials were fabulous, honey." She turned and gave Peter a peck on the lips.

I rolled my eyes and thanked them for coming.

* * *

_**August 15**_

As I settled into the hard plastic chair by Marshall's bedside, I tried not to bounce up and down or twitch impatiently. It had been _**five**_ days. Five days since Marshall was shot. Five days since Marshall had coded in the ambulance. Five days since Marshall had stepped in front of me to take a bullet that would have taken the life of my unborn child if I had gotten shot. Five days since I had seen Marshall's blue eyes. Five days since I had heard Marshall's voice.

Five days that felt like a lifetime.

Karen and I had taken the kids to the park for the day in an effort to cheer Katie up. She had been taking swimming lessons this summer and had taken to the water like a fish. So while Karen played with the boys on the playground equipment, Katie and I had gone swimming in the small park pool. She had been excited to show me her floaties that Uncle Mars had gotten for her that perfectly matched her swimsuit. We had a good time in the pool, but by the time we rejoined Karen and the boys for a picnic, Katie was quiet and withdrawn again.

"What's up, kiddo?" I asked, gently tugging on one of her braids.

She shrugged a shoulder. "I dunno."

I popped a piece of watermelon into my mouth and waited.

Her serious brown eyes met mine. "Do you ever play pretend, Aunt Mary?"

I nodded, remembering the early morning I had stood in Marshall's house and pretended he was there instead of in the hospital. "Yes, I do. What are you pretending?"

"I'm pretending that Uncle Mars is running late from work and that he'll be here any minute for our picnic."

"Oh, kiddo, me too," I sighed as I reached over and scooped her into my lap. She buried her face in my neck.

"He'll wake up soon, won't he, Aunt Mary?" Katie's voice was muffled against my skin and I felt the wetness of her tears.

I glanced at Karen who was biting her lip and feeding Jamie a bottle.

"Aunt Mary?" Katie whispered.

I blew out a breath and looked down into her upturned face. "I don't know _**when**_ Uncle Mars will wake up but he _**will**_ wake up, Katie. He was hurt pretty bad so the doctor says the longer he sleeps is actually a good thing."

"Really?"

I nodded. "Really." _But it's been long enough now, partner._

Seth Mann called me on my cell not too long after this as Karen and I were clearing away the remains of lunch. He said that he wanted to take Elizabeth home for the afternoon so she could rest.

"Trouble is, Mary, she won't leave Marshall's side unless you or Karen come stay with him. I know that you've been here just as much as we have but this is really starting to take a toll on Beth."

I glanced down at my attire: swimsuit with a cover-up and flip-flops. "I'm not exactly dressed for the hospital. Give me time to go home and change first. I can be there in forty-five minutes."

"Beth and I really appreciate this, Mary."

Saying good-bye to Karen and the kids wasn't easy. Katie had expected me to stay all day with her and when she heard I was going back to the hospital, she wanted to come with me. I promised to call her before she went to bed whether there was any news or not, just to say good night, and that got her to at least let go of my hand once I reached the Probe.

When I arrived at the hospital, I was startled by Elizabeth's appearance. She had circles under her eyes and she looked positively exhausted.

"I'm afraid I didn't sleep very much last night."

"Well, that's why I'm here now. You head on back to Marshall's and get some sleep. I won't leave him alone and I'll call if there's any change, I promise."

Elizabeth rose slowly from the chair and we passed each other as I moved to take her place by Marshall's bedside. But she stopped me in my tracks as her hand moved to trace a finger down my cheek lovingly. I froze, never remembering any mother figure in my life touching me so gently before.

"You're a good girl, Mary. I love you."

My mouth fell open and she chuckled. "Elizabeth, I don't know what to say. I l –" the words I so desperately felt lodged in my throat.

"I know you do." Elizabeth whispered softly. She picked up her purse and left as I collapsed in the hard plastic chair.

I glanced at the serene sleeping countenance of my partner. Leaning forward, I grasped his IV-free hand in both of mine. "Marshall, why can't I say the words? I said them to Katie the other night and I meant them! Of course she was asleep at the time so I don't think she heard me and you would say that doesn't count. The truth is, the 'l' word scares me, almost as much as the word commitment because of the power it holds. If you don't love someone – or allow them to love you, things are so much easier! They don't have any power over you. They can't destroy you when they leave and people always leave, Marshall, you know that." I paused and took a deep breath. "But Katie told me she loves me and she loves me with the innocence of a child – and unless her parents move away, I don't think she's going anywhere. Your mother just told me she loves me! I can't believe it – why would she love me?" I shook my head in bewilderment and then snorted. "I can't get rid of Brandi and Jinx unless I kill them myself and in their own dysfunctional way, I've always known they love me. Raph wants to have a family with me and he tells me all the time that he's in love with me." I paused again and took a deep breath, looking into Marshall's eyes even though they were tightly shut. "And then there's you. I know you love me and you've promised never to leave me." I rolled my eyes, "Ok, you really need to wake up here, string bean, because I'll just keep talking and making an ass of myself if you don't."

I felt a slight pressure on my hands and I nearly fell out of my chair in shock.

"Oh my God, Marshall, did you just squeeze my hand? Please, do it again!"

Seconds ticked by and I held my breath. Just as spots began to dance before my eyes, the slight pressure came again and I whooped in delight. I leaned down and gave Marshall a kiss, on the lips this time, before pushing the call button for the nurse.

Now I was sitting back in the chair, trying not to jump out of my skin with impatience. The nurse had come and gone, checking Marshall's vitals and making notes. She said that he was definitely "coming around" but that it could still be a few hours yet before he regained consciousness. She told me to press the call button when he did and left. I wanted to grab my partner by the shoulders and slap him into wakefulness but I sat on my hands and rocked back and forth. How on earth was I going to pass the time? After ten minutes of twitching, I finally remembered the book and I easily found where I had left off the night before. Keeping half an eye on Marshall, I resumed reading about Dantes, who was still stuck in prison. Hours passed and I wasn't even sure what time it was when I finally heard the voice that I hadn't heard for five days. The voice that in my darkest hours I was sure I wouldn't hear again.

"Mary?" Marshall groaned.

My green eyes flew off the page and met his blue ones. The heavy tome hit the floor as I flew out of the chair and perched next to him on the bed. I drank in the sight of his open eyes and smiled, truly smiled for the first time in five days.

Leaning down, I gently kissed his cheek and whispered, "Welcome back, string bean."

* * *

***So now that our boy's awake - on with the show . . . who's the first to discover Mary's secret? Can she keep her pregnancy a secret or will her body betray her? Wanna find out?**


	7. Chapter 7

**This quick update is for my reviewers who say "More - or you die!" My Mary muse laughs at your threats - but since she has a lot to say, here's more! Oh, and I would love to hear from more of you what you think. . . .**

**A/N: I had no idea that Katie would feature so prominently in this story but she has definitely taken on a life of her own. Glimpses of things to come with Peanut, perhaps? We'll see. Mary continues to grow closer to Katie - even realizing (too late) that she could have helped her niece more if she hadn't been so selfish. What- more growth? And at the end of the chapter, someone finds out Mary's pregnant. Who is it?

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**"_The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread." -Mother Teresa_

"_The art of love . . . is largely the art of persistence." -Albert Ellis

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_

_**August 15, 6pm**_

I bounced impatiently on my toes in front of Karen's front door as I waited for it to open. Shortly before Marshall had opened his gorgeous blue eyes, I had gotten a text from Seth telling me that he and Beth were going over to Karen's for a barbeque. So when my partner urged me to go tell Katie in person that he was ok, I had rushed straight over here, knowing that I could kill two birds with one stone. Finally, I heard Princess barking followed by Keith's voice telling her to knock it off. The door opened to reveal Karen's husband wearing a "kiss the cook" apron with grease stains spattered on it that Princess was trying to lick off as he pushed her down with one hand. Keith was as tall as Marshall but he was built like a linebacker. I remember my partner telling me once that Keith had played football in high school and college. Princess had found the grease covered spatula in his other hand now and was licking it eagerly. I giggled and pointed. Keith swore.

"Damn dog – go lie down!" Princess slunk off with her tail between her legs. "Mary, Karen didn't tell me you were coming. I got the impression you were at the hospital with Marshall – has something happened?"

I grinned and grabbed his wrist. "Come on – I take it everyone is in the back?"

Princess joined us as I made my way to the French doors that opened onto the patio and deck area in the back of the house. I could hear the sound of children laughing and it made my stomach flip as I thought of Peanut. I pushed the thought aside firmly; knowing that now was definitely not the time to discuss that piece of news and opened the door to step outside. Seth was manning the grill with Tommy perched on a stool beside him, chattering away. Karen and Elizabeth were sitting the shade provided by the umbrella covered table; Jamie was being bounced on Elizabeth's knee. I scanned the yard, looking for Katie. I had just spied her on the tire swing in the far corner of the lawn when Keith bellowed.

"Well everyone, look who decided to crash our barbeque! I think Mary has some news for us!"

I was instantly the center of attention as everyone flocked to me and began to pepper me with questions. Katie pushed her way through the adults' legs and flung herself against me. I felt hysterical laughter bubbling up in my throat as I tried to get a word in edgewise. As I swung Katie up into my arms, Keith bellowed again.

"People, please! How can Mary say anything with all of us jawing at her?"

Silence fell over the group assembled around me, broken only by Princess barking as she chased her ball across the grass. I suddenly felt tongue tied as everyone's eyes fell on me and waited for me to speak.

"Aunt Mary?" Katie wiggled slightly on my hip in impatience and I grinned down at her before settling my gaze on Elizabeth.

Without breaking her eye contact, I said, "Marshall's awake. He said he can't wait to see all of you."

Pandemonium broke loose. Katie threw her arms around my neck and squeezed until I thought I was going to pass out. Karen threw her arms around Elizabeth and the two women supported each other as they cried tears of joy. Keith grabbed Tommy and threw him in the air with a war whoop of victory. Princess ran in and out of the group, barking furiously, no doubt wondering what all the fuss was about. It wasn't until I got Katie to loosen her death grip that I saw Seth. He was slumped next to the grill, a beer bottle dangling loosely from his fingertips, staring into space. I set Katie down and she ran to Keith, who scooped her up and tossed her in the air, as I slowly made my way over to Seth.

Seth started at my approach and hastily wiped his cheeks, clearing his throat.

"Are you all right, sir?" I asked softly.

He cocked his head in a way that reminded me so much of Marshall it nearly took my breath away. "How many times must I ask you to call me Seth, Mary? You've been Marshall's partner for six years now – I don't think you're going anywhere."

I looked down uneasily. "But I just met you for the first time this week, under rather trying circumstances I might add."

Seth Mann continued to stare at me with his piercing eyes – Marshall's eyes.

I sighed in defeat. "I will try to call you Seth. But don't think you've distracted me. Are you all right?"

He shrugged a shoulder and glanced towards Elizabeth. "Things have been incredibly difficult for my wife this week, Mary, as you well know. Even though my own relationship with Marshall has become distant over the years, he is still my son," Seth paused and looked at me with a challenge in his eye. When I merely nodded, he continued. "I guess I was just putting off dealing with everything for Beth's sake as well as my own. Now that my boy is awake and talking and I know for sure he's okay-" Seth paused again to gruffly clear his throat. "I guess my emotions got the best of me for a moment. But yes, Mary, I am all right."

I tried very hard not to shake my head in amusement, knowing that Seth Mann would misunderstand what I found so humorous. My first assessment of this man had been correct: he was a male version of me. I wondered again how much Marshall had had to endure growing up.

My train of thought was broken as Elizabeth came over to us and casually swung her arm around my waist, giving me an affectionate squeeze. "Let's go see our boy, Seth."

He frowned. "Beth, you need to eat something first."

"You fixed me a sandwich before we came over here and I've been nibbling on fruit because I didn't know if you men would ever get the grill going. Come on! I want to see him before visiting hours end for the day."

Admitting defeat, Seth and Elizabeth said good-bye and left for the hospital. Karen begged me to stay for supper and when Katie added her pouting lower lip, I caved.

Keith threw the burgers on the grill as Katie and Tommy raced around the yard. I took Jamie from Karen and placed him in my lap while she made several trips in and out of the house, carrying food.

"I never thought I'd see the day when Mary Shannon would willingly hold a child of mine before their first birthday." Karen laughed as she plunked down a huge bowl of potato salad on the table just out of Jamie's reach. She picked up a carrot stick and munched on it, looking at me thoughtfully. "Are you sure you're you? You aren't a POD person or something?"

"Kare, you've been watching the sci-fi channel with Marshall again!" Keith bellowed from the grill.

Karen laughed. "Guilty! But come on, Mer, you and babies don't go together so what gives?"

_Babies and I are going to __**have**__ to go together since I'm going to have my own in a little over seven months._

I laughed uneasily. "What are you talking about? I practically raised my baby sister, for cryin' out loud! I can assure you it wasn't Jinx who was feeding Squish at two a.m. and changing her diapers," I finished dryly.

"Who's Squish, Aunt Mary?" Katie asked breathlessly, as she and Tommy ran up to the table to swipe some chips from the open bag.

Karen answered before I could. "That's Aunt Mary's nickname for her sister, Brandi."

Katie wrinkled her nose. "Why do you call her Squish?"

"Yeah, why?" Tommy echoed.

I reached out a tweaked Katie's nose gently. "Because everything about her was squishy! She squished up her face when she cried. Her food was squishy and the stuff that came out of her was definitely squishy."

"MARY!" Karen scolded as Katie, Tommy, and I laughed.

"Mommy, can I call Jamie Squish?"

"No, you may not! You already have a perfectly acceptable nickname for your brother. Go play – Daddy will call you when the burgers are ready." Karen waited until the kids had run onto the grass before she turned back to me. "You are a horrible influence on them, Mary Shannon!"

I shrugged and tried to bury my grin in Jamie's neck. "That's what you have Uncle Mars for – to counterbalance Aunt Mary's wicked ways!"

I ducked as a carrot stick came flying at my ear. "Hey! I'm holding your child! Don't try to put his eye out, Kare."

After the burgers had been consumed and a considerable dent had been made in Karen's homemade potato salad, I began making noises that I really needed to get back to the hospital. Katie was by my side in a flash.

"Take me with you! I have to see Uncle Mars tonight!"

I pulled her into my lap. "Kiddo, he told me to tell you that he's ok and that he loves you, remember? You can come see him tomorrow. He'll be more alert and you'll have more time to visit."

"No! Aunt Mary, please! You're the only one that understands why I need to see him tonight," she begged as she tugged on the marshal star around my neck.

Nightmares. Karen had told me that Katie continued to have one every night about Marshall. The only time she hadn't had one was when she had slept with me in his bed, with her fingers curled around marshal's star. _Oh God, I should have let Katie have his shield for comfort these past few days instead of selfishly keeping it for myself. She's only a child! She needed it more than I did._

"Oh pumpkin, I'm so sorry," the term of endearment fell from my lips without a second thought as I crushed Katie to me.

Her nose wrinkled in confusion. "What for, Aunt Mary?"

I took the shield off my neck and placed it around hers, watching as Katie's eyes got big. "I should have given this to you days ago. Let you hold onto it for Uncle Mars. You needed it more than I did."

Katie was reverently tracing the points of the star as she shook her head. "You had nightmares too, Aunt Mary. And Mommy said I couldn't have it because it was against the rules."

I sighed. "I guess she's right about that."

Katie started to lift the shield from her neck but I stilled her movements. "Why don't you keep that on for now and come for a ride with me? You can give it back to Uncle Mars yourself."

* * *

_**August 15, 8pm**_

"Remember what I told you, kiddo?"

Katie and I were walking down the hallway towards Marshall's room, hand in hand. The six-year-old was so excited she was skipping more than she was walking. She nodded her head and looked up at me.

"Yes, Aunt Mary. Uncle Mars is still going to be very sleepy because of his medicine. I need to be careful of the owie in his tummy and not squeeze him too tight when I give him hugs. And we can't stay too long tonight."

I chuckled at her rapid fire delivery but I was also relieved to hear her chatter. She had been very quiet and withdrawn since Marshall's shooting; now that he had regained consciousness, it looked like Katie's gift of gab was making a comeback as well.

When we were two doors down from Marshall's, Stan exited his room. Seeing us, he waved.

"Hi, Grandpa Stan!" Katie hugged him.

"How are you feeling, Kit Kat?" Stan looked down at her in concern before meeting my eyes. I nodded in reassurance.

"I'm excited Uncle Mars is awake. Aunt Mary brought me to the hospital to say hi and good night to him so I didn't have to wait until tomorrow. I'm going to give him his star back," Katie stated proudly but then she looked worried. "You're not mad I have it, are you, Grandpa Stan? Aunt Mary just gave it to me tonight, I promise, and I'm going to give it to him right now. We're not breaking the rules, really!"

Stan chuckled. "You are definitely Karen's daughter. It's fine, Kit Kat. No rules have been broken and Aunt Mary's not in trouble."

I smirked. "There's something I don't hear often enough."

Stan frowned. "Not in front of the child, inspector. Go on now and see Marshall before visiting hours end for the day. He's about worn out from all our visits today, anyway."

We waved good-bye to Stan and then peeked around the corner into Marshall's room. The head of his bed was raised so that he was sitting up, but his eyes were closed.

Katie's shoulders slumped. "He's sleeping again, Aunt Mary. Can we wake him up?" she whispered up at me.

I pursed my lips in thought when I saw him shift on the bed and groan. I smiled, knowing that he wasn't deep in sleep yet. Holding a finger to my lips, I took Katie's hand in mine and we tiptoed over to his bedside. I picked her up and placed her gently next to him on the bed. She looked up at me in confusion.

"Give him a kiss," I suggested.

"But the prince is supposed to wake the princess with a kiss, Aunt Mary. Not the princess," she informed me.

"Try it – I think it just might work."

She cocked her head at me in a very Marshall-like fashion and I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing.

Princess Katie leaned up and gave Prince Marshall a wet smack on his cheek.

Marshall's lashes fluttered and he opened his eyes. "Hi, Angel."

With a glad cry, Katie threw herself into her Uncle Mars' arms.

* * *

Stan had pushed things back at the office as far as he could for as long as he could. Now that Marshall was awake and his real recovery could begin, Stan expected and needed me back at work full time. I now had to deal with my witnesses as well as my partner's. But Marshall's witnesses and I just didn't get along; they needed extra TLC and handling that only he could provide. My words of "Strap on a pair!" and "Suck it up!" just didn't seem to have the same effect with his witnesses as they did with mine. I was counting down the days until my partner was back, even though he was going to be coming back on desk duty for awhile. At least he would be in the office to do paperwork and his witnesses could call him on the phone for extra hand holding.

My pregnancy was also starting to affect me in ways that were beyond my control. I had thought that my tears were directly related to Marshall's shooting. I hadn't cried that much since my father left. Now that he was going to be okay I figured the waterworks were over. Boy was I wrong! Brandi and Jinx talked me into watching a movie on Lifetime one night and I bawled like a baby – something that had never happened before. One of Marshall's witnesses chewed me out for being a bitch and I cried in my Probe on the way back to the office. Things that used to piss me off now made me cry, which only made me more pissed off!

By the time two o'clock rolled around, I was exhausted and ready to curl up and take a nap no matter where I happened to be at the time. Stan actually caught me nodding off at my desk in front of my computer when he and Eleanor were coming back from a late lunch. I rearranged my schedule after that to do paperwork in the morning and visit witnesses in the afternoon.

My sense of smell went through the roof overnight. Eating out was a nightmare because I could smell other people's food and drink from across the room. If it was not appetizing to me, I was instantly nauseous. Eleanor bought Stan some fancy cologne for his birthday and I had to avoid the office as much as possible if I wanted to keep my food in my stomach where it belonged.

A week after Marshall woke up I experienced my first bout of morning sickness. I wasn't sure at the time that's what it was since it happened in the evening. I had gotten home from work and was relaxing in front of the television with Brandi. I became increasingly nauseous until I finally had to flee to the bathroom to throw up.

After brushing my teeth, I decided to simply undress and climb into bed for the night. A few minutes later, Jinx poked her head into my room.

"Are you ok, sweetie?"

:"Yeah, I think I had some questionable fish tacos for lunch today. You know, they smelled really fishy. Marshall has always told me not to eat seafood if it smells fishy. I'm just going to read for a bit and go to sleep."

"Let me know if I can get you anything." Jinx came and kissed my forehead before she left.

I pulled out my laptop and looked my symptoms up online, confirming my suspicions. _Why do they call it morning sickness when it can happen at any time during the day? Well, it's actually better if it happens at night so it doesn't interfere with work. But I'm going to have to tell Stan sometime._

The next evening I came through the door and tried not to gag as I dropped my keys on the table by the door.

"Good God, what on earth is that smell?"

Jinx was setting the table in the kitchen and Brandi was pulling a casserole dish out of the oven. This was the source of the smell.

Brandi beamed as she held up the dish. "I made tuna casserole."

I gagged and placing my hand over my mouth, I ran for the bathroom. Once my stomach was empty, I sat back on my heels and flushed the toilet. Reaching for the mouthwash, I rinsed out my mouth and thought about what excuse I could come up with tonight. I had always loved tuna casserole; after all, it had been one of the staples in our house when I was growing up.

"I guess you don't care for it, huh, Peanut?" I asked my unborn child as I placed a hand on my stomach.

I opened the door and saw Jinx sitting nervously on the edge of my bed.

"Are you feeling better, sweet pea?"

I gritted my teeth at the endearment. "For now."

She patted the bed. "Come sit with me for a minute."

I looked at her warily but perched beside her without comment.

"Now, Mary, I don't want you to get upset but – I don't think your throwing up has anything to do with eating bad fish."

I tried not to roll my eyes. "You don't?"

Jinx shook her head. "Oh, sweetie. It's going to be ok, I promise." She crushed me to her in a hug.

"Mom, I can't breathe!"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" She let me go but kept hold of my arms. "I don't know how to tell you this but remember that I love you and you're not alone. You've got me and your sister and we'll help you as much as we can."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Oh, Mary, I think you're pregnant!"

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**Oh, Good Grief! Jinx thinks she's figured it out first and has to "break" the news to her little girl (eye roll). What's Mary going to say? I LOVE reviews!**


	8. Chapter 8

***Sorry for the delay - real life, blah, blah, blah! On with the story! This chapter makes references to the 1st chapter of "It's too late" (Can you give a spoiler alert for your own story?), We're going to be catching up and starting to "fill in" some of those holes from the other story, such as "Why were Karen and Elizabeth urging Marshall so strongly to talk to Mary? What did they know? How much did Mary tell them?" etc.**

***Chapter Note: Last time, Jinx 'figured out' Mary was preggers. Meet supportive Jinx in this chapter (eye roll). Mary finds out Marshall is transferring to Seattle. And someone finds out about M/M's night together . . . who is it?

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**"_Friends are God's apology for relations." -Hugh Kingsmill_

"_A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it." -Frank A. Clark

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_

_**August 23 7:30pm**_

I gaped at my mother. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Oh, Mary, I think you're pregnant!"

This time I did roll my eyes. "No shit, mom."

Jinx reared back at my exclamation and her hands dropped from my arms into her lap. "You already knew?" she gasped, her mouth now falling open.

I nodded. "My doctor did a blood test when I had a physical for work two weeks ago."

"You've known for two weeks and you didn't tell me!"

"Mom, I was still trying to wrap my head around the idea when Marshall got shot. Suddenly being pregnant took a back seat when my partner's life was hanging in the balance."

Jinx nodded and crushed me to her chest again, rocking me back and forth. I blew out a breath slowly, praying for deliverance. I couldn't believe that she had actually figured it out! My mother wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer and as a result usually didn't notice what was going on around her.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything, sweetie."

"How did you know?"

I felt her chuckle since she hadn't let me go. "Well, you've been really emotional lately. I mean you cried at that movie the other night and I don't remember you ever doing that. But I think I really knew when you threw up last night and then again tonight. I got my morning sickness at night with both you girls too."

_Great, it's genetic!_

"But I can't believe Raphael just left you alone at a time like this!" Jinx was now fuming. "I mean, I thought he wanted kids. But what happens when you tell him you're pregnant? He runs home to mama! Well, don't you worry, sweet pea. Your mama and sister are here to take care of you. We didn't need a man around when you girls were growing up and this baby will be just fine without its father too."

During her tirade, I had pushed myself away from Jinx and I was now staring at her in open mouthed astonishment. She actually thought that Raph had jilted me when I told him about the baby? I felt laughter bubble up inside of me as I collapsed on the bed in a fit of giggles.

"Mary? Are you ok? Don't be upset, sweetie, it will all work out."

I was laughing so hard by this time tears were pouring down my cheeks. _I take it back, Mom. You are completely clueless!_

My howls brought Brandi to the doorway. "What's going on in here?"

"Oh Brandi! I think Mary's having some kind of fit!"

"Geez, Mom, what did you do to her!" Brandi exclaimed as she sat down by me and tried to rub my back in comfort.

"Nothing! We were just talking. You see, I told Mary that I thought she might be-" Jinx broke off.

"What?" Brandi questioned.

By this time my laughter had subsided and I sat up again, wiping my tears away. "Mom, Raph left because his mama had to have emergency surgery. He had no idea what was going on with me."

Jinx sniffed. "Well, how was I supposed to know? No one tells me anything around here."

Brandi and I exchanged glances and grins.

"So, what is going on with you, sis?"

I took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant."

Brandi choked. "You're kidding."

"Nope."

"Oh my God, that's too funny! You have always practiced safe sex and every time Raph has brought up the subject of children, you turn green and change the subject so fast we all get whiplash! And now he's knocked you up!" Brandi laughed.

I smiled weakly. _Well, someone knocked me up. I wonder if she'd still be laughing if I told her that I didn't know who Peanut's father is._

"You know that they say, Brandi, the only one hundred percent effective birth control method is abstinence," Jinx said.

"That's really rich coming from you, mom," Brandi teased and ducked as Jinx's hand moved to swat her.

"Now that we know, are you going to call Raph and tell him?" Jinx asked me.

I frowned. "I really don't want to share this kind of news over the phone. I think I'll wait until he gets back."

"You could be showing by then. Are you sure you want to wait?"

I felt light-headed at the thought of my expanding waistline and suddenly the reality of it all hit me.

"Good going, mom. Mary looks like she's either going to hurl again or faint," Brandi chided.

Jinx patted my leg. "Take some slow, deep breaths. In, out."

I followed her advice and focused on my breathing for a few moments until I felt my head clearing.

"Better?" Jinx asked with a smile.

I nodded. "I want to wait and tell Raph in person." _For reasons that I can't and won't discuss with either of you. _"That means if either of you talk to him before he comes home, you can't tell him. No hints, no clues, nothing – understand?"

Brandi and Jinx both solemnly promised not to breathe a word of my condition but I was under no illusion that somehow, someway, one or both of them would let something slip. Neither of them could keep a secret to save their life.

"Mary, when are you due? We need to know how much time we have to plan," Jinx gushed, clapping her hands in delight.

"Plan?" I echoed a feeling of dread lodging in my stomach.

"Why, yes! You and Raphael will need to decide if you want to get married before or after the birth, of course. But there's the nursery to decorate, a shower to arrange, and you really need to contact the FBI about getting the house remodel done. We can't have a newborn in this house the way it is now."

I sighed. "My due date is April 1st."

"April Fool's day?" Brandi gasped before breaking into another fit of giggles. "This keeps getting better and better. If you didn't have proof, sis, I'd think you really were pulling our leg about this!"

I picked up a pillow and tackled her with it, smothering her shrieks of amusement.

* * *

_**Labor Day, 5:15am**_

I groaned and rolled over, reaching blindly for my cell phone that was ringing on my nightstand. It felt like I had just fallen asleep. Last night had been the worst evening to date with my morning sickness. Jinx had forced me to eat dry toast and weak tea, insisting that I needed to eat something. Those food items had been the only things Jinx had been able to keep down when she had been nauseous. Peanut had not liked the combination. I had made frequent trips to the bathroom during the night before my stomach finally settled around two am, allowing me to get some sleep.

As my fingers curled around the phone, I opened one eye and looked at the clock. Cursing at the time, I answered the phone rather tersely.

"Querida, did I wake you?"

"Shit, Raph, do you know what time it is? You couldn't have waited another couple of hours?"

"I'm sorry, Mary. I guess I forgot about the time difference in my excitement to call you this morning."

I pulled myself up to a sitting position against my headboard. "Why? Are you flying home today?"

"No, mama needs me to stay for another week or two."

I grunted. Of course Mama Ramirez was in no hurry for her son to leave. If she had her way, she'd probably have us move back there after the wedding. Or at the very least have the wedding down there.

"So why are you calling me so early?"

"Well, it's an American holiday right?"

I frowned in concentration for a moment. I tended to lose track of time since as a US Marshal we worked every day except Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's. "Oh, today's Labor Day," I said, my words distorted by a yawn.

"Yes, so I thought you could get online and we could chat about our wedding. Mama would love us to have the wedding down here but I know that would be hard for you with your job. But maybe we could look at some places together online and talk about ceremonies and-"

"Whoa, Raph!" My head was spinning. I could tell my fiancé was excited as he was talking really fast and his tone had that pleading quality that made him sound like a little boy. "I can't spend the day online with you – I have to work."

"But – it's a holiday. No work today."

I sighed. "Raph, I told you what I do. You know that I don't sit around the courthouse and drink coffee. I have paperwork and witnesses to see, mine and Marshall's since he is still in the hospital."

Raph's sigh came over the phone loud and clear and it spoke volumes. "Mary, when are you going to take some time off to plan our wedding? When I bring it up, you have to work. On the weekends, you are busy with Karen and her kids or something with work comes up. When are you going to put us first?"

I swallowed and closed my eyes. Raph was right – when had I ever put him and our relationship first? Made him a priority in my life? Would that change after our wedding? Now that I was pregnant, Peanut had already moved to the top of my short priority list. There was also work, Marshall, Karen and the kids, and my family. Surely Raph was included in my family category. But how high did he rank on my overall list? Was he number two?

Was Raph above Marshall?

"Raph, I know that I haven't been available to talk about the wedding very much. When you get back, we have a lot to sit down and talk about." I was trying to placate him without spilling the beans over the phone, and my hand automatically went to my stomach.

"Do you wear your ring at work?"

"What?" I shook my head, confused at this sudden topic change.

"Do people you know even know we're engaged?"

I sighed. "Marshall, Karen, my boss and other Marshals know. But I've explained to you why I can't wear the ring at work, Raph. Witnesses can't know about our personal lives and items such as engagement rings would invite too many questions."

He grunted. "I don't think you know how much it hurts me that you don't wear my ring. You take it on and off like it means nothing to you."

I gasped. "How can you say that?"

"Are you wearing it right now?"

I glanced down at the bare ring finger of my left hand. "I must have forgotten to slip it back on last night."

"Yesterday was Sunday, Mary. You just 'forgot' to put it on all weekend?"

My eyes closed in pain. "Raph, don't-"

"Don't what?" Raph growled and lapsed into Spanish.

I listened with a heavy heart, knowing that I was the source of his pain and frustration. I had absolutely no idea how he was going to react to the news that I was pregnant – and that I didn't know if he was the father. I picked at my comforter while I waited for the flow of Spanish invective to stop.

"Feel better?" I asked softly, when all I could hear on the end was his ragged breathing.

"Ay Dios Mio, Mary, sometimes I don't even know if you love me half as much as I love you."

I gulped. Could I finally say the words to him?

"I do love you, Raph," I whispered hoarsely.

For a moment there was silence from the other end; I imagined that I had shocked the hell out of him since it was the first time I had actually said those words aloud.

"Enough?" he said sadly. "Are you in love with me?"

I glanced down at my bare finger again and suddenly Marshall's face danced before me, his blue eyes piercing mine.

Raph sighed. My silence had answered for me.

"I guess you're right, Mary. We do have a lot to talk about when I get home."

* * *

_**Labor Day 4:15pm**_

I clutched my Keva Juice cup tightly and took a long sip as the elevator doors opened onto our floor in the Sunshine building. After hanging up the phone with Raph that morning, I had stepped into the shower and allowed myself to cling to the illusion that the day could only get better since it had started in the crapper. _Boy was I wrong!_

The doors buzzed as I scanned my key card and pushed my way inside. Eleanor glanced up from her desk and took in my appearance.

"No one told me that Mondays were casual now," she said with a smirk.

"Bite me." I glared at her over my straw as I took another long sip from my smoothie.

"Ah, bad day, Inspector?" Stan asked as he came out of his office to stand by Eleanor's desk.

I propped my feet up on my desk and raised my eyebrows. "What gave me away? The wet hair? The sweat pants and sweater combo a la Flashdance?" I smirked.

Stan shook his head and pointed to the drink in my hand. "The twelve ounce Keva Juice smoothie which, if I'm not mistaken, is an Oreo Speedwagon." He rocked on his heels.

I gave him a slight nod of acknowledgment.

"So what happened to your other outfit?" Eleanor asked.

I sighed and launched into the story. "My last visit was the Donaldson's and the girls had made get well cards for Marshall. Emma and Ella were braiding my hair and Emily was sitting in my lap, showing me the cards. Evidently she had too much lunch and was overly excited because she threw up all over herself and down the front of me." I wrinkled my nose as Stan and Eleanor laughed. I glared and they both tried to squelch their amusement.

"Sara was horrified and insisted I use their guest bathroom to clean up."

"I'm surprised you wanted something to eat so soon after that experience," Eleanor smiled.

"I needed chocolate." I couldn't really tell her that Peanut demanded a mid afternoon snack no matter what had happened during the day.

Still trying not to laugh, Stan excused himself back to his office and Eleanor went back to filing as I tried to wrap things up for the day so that I could go see Marshall. Just as I was turning off the computer, my phone rang and I groaned. It was Sarah, calling for school funds for Johnny. After reassuring her that I would find the forms and bring them over the next day, I hung up.

Knowing that Marshall always kept those forms in his perfect filing system on the side of his desk, I wasted no time in crossing the office to his empty chair. Sitting down, I began shuffling papers and looking for the necessary forms. Soon I had what I needed but just before I rose to leave, a paper partially hidden by his desk calendar caught my eye. I lifted the single sheet and my eyes scanned the page once, twice, three times, my breath catching in my throat as the world tilted around me.

"STAN!" I yelled.

My shout brought both my boss and Eleanor to Marshall's desk and I waved the sheet of paper in the air wildly. "What the hell is this? He's leaving? Did you know about this?"

Stan managed to capture the sheet from me and scanned it, his expression turning grim and pained. Eleanor read it over his shoulder and gasped.

His eyes met mine. "Mary, this is something you need to talk to your partner about."

"Believe me, Stan, I intend to."

* * *

_**Labor Day, 6:30pm**_

_"No one stays – everyone leaves me sooner or later." _

_"Yes, Mary, I guess you're right." He sighed. "Do you want to sing the song?"_

_"Fuck you, Marshall!"_

The words rang in my ears all the way home from the hospital. My foot was heavy on the accelerator and tears coursed down my cheeks. I didn't know if I was more angry or sad or hurt. Marshall, my best and only friend, the man who promised to stay with me, was leaving in two months. After everything we'd been through: two shootings, my kidnapping, hundreds of witness transfers and trials, he cites the reasons for leaving as being tired of putting up with my crap? My family drama that he's been in the middle of since day one of our partnership?

"Bull shit," I muttered, as I angrily swiped away tears.

I pulled into the driveway, got out of the Probe and slammed the door. Leaning heavily against the car for a moment, I tried to compose myself. I noticed Peter's car parked on the street and I remembered that he was coming over to grill some steaks. I heard Jinx's laughter coming from the backyard and I ground my teeth in irritation. The last thing I wanted was for them to see me like this. I didn't think that steak was on Peanut's approved list for supper either. I made a quick decision as I walked up to the front door to just grab a bag and head to Marshall's for the night. Elizabeth would be glad for the company since Seth had left on Friday.

As I came into the house, I interrupted a passionate embrace between Peter and my sister in the living room.

"Whoa! Good thing I haven't eaten yet," I teased. "Look, I'm just going to grab a bag and get out of the way tonight, ok?" I moved towards the hall but Brandi moved quickly to my side, grabbing my wrist.

"Mary, what's wrong? You've been crying," She bit her lip in concern.

"Hormones," I whispered as I broke free from her grasp and escaped to my room.

I was throwing some toiletries into my overnight bag when Brandi knocked and slipped into the room, closing the door behind her. She sat on the bed and looked at me with big eyes.

"Please tell me what's wrong."

"It's nothing, Squish. Go back to your man."

"Eleanor called – she said you had a rough day at work."

I threw the small bag of makeup on the bed. "Geez! Is everyone checking up on me and tattling behind my back? I'm not made of glass so I'm not going to break! You didn't tell her I'm pregnant, did you?" I demanded.

Brandi shook her head.

"Thanks." I collapsed next to her on the bed. "Look, a little kid barfed on me today and I don't know how I managed to keep my own lunch down, but I did. And then I found out that Marshall's leaving Albuquerque."

"What?" Brandi shrieked.

I nodded. "He requested a transfer to Seattle."

"Why?"

The word hung in the air between us. _Oh Squish! How can I even begin to answer that question? There's so much you don't know! So much I can't tell you about our jobs. But there is so much more that relates to how he feels about me, what's happened between us and whether or not this baby I'm carrying is his. For the first time in our lives, Squish, I think my life is more messed up than yours!_

I shrugged. "I guess he's just ready for a change. He says he wants to make a fresh start."

"Away from you and Karen and those kids? I don't believe it." Brandi shook her head. Suddenly her eyes narrowed and she looked at me. "What aren't you telling me, sis? What happened between the two of you?"

"Marshall and I are partners, Brandi, nothing more."

She snorted. "Yeah, right. It took me about two seconds after I met Marshall to see that he had a thing for you and that you've been denying your own feelings for him just as long."

"I don't have feelings for Marshall!" I gasped.

"If you say so." Brandi smirked. "Why else did he say?"

I sighed. "He said he's tired. He's tired of doing all our paperwork and that I don't appreciate him enough. He said he's tired of all my family drama and he's worried about me getting hurt," I finished softly. I couldn't tell her he was still hurt about my telling Raph about WitSec.

Brandi shook her head again. "You're still not telling me everything."

I jumped to my feet and began pacing. My words came out in rush. "Squish, I'm the big sister here. I'm entitled to have my secrets and not tell you everything that's going on in my personal life. If I make mistakes I'm the one that has to live with the consequences. I'm a big girl. If in a moment of weakness I have a night of passion with my partner, I'm the one that has to live with the fallout."

Brandi stood and grabbed my shoulders. "Mary, did you hear what you just said?"

I cocked my head, replaying my words silently. "Oh God," I moaned.

As fresh tears clouded my vision and began to fall, Brandi's arms surrounded me.

"The baby?" she whispered.

"It's Marshall's."

* * *

***Surprised Mary blurted the news to Brandi? What happens when she goes to Marshall's house? And when Marshall comes home? I know you guys are longing for M/M moments and they are coming! Keep reviewing!**


	9. Chapter 9

***So this chapter contains 2 heart-to-heart talks. The first is between Mary and Brandi. I love Brandi - and you guys do too, judging by your reviews! If her character is a little OOC, it is because I'm taking a little creative license with it. The writers this season allowed her to "grow up" - which I also let her do in this chapter. The second talk is between Mary and Elizabeth Mann - hmm, what gets revealed? Spoilers for my other fic, 'It's too late'.

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"_Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself putting them back together." – Anonymous_

"_I never knew until that moment how bad it hurt to lose something you never really had." – From the TV show 'The Wonder Years'

* * *

_

I broke away from Brandi's embrace to look for some tissue but the look on her face made me pause with the box in hand.

"What is it, Squish?"

"How are you going to tell Chico?"

My shoulders slumped as I blew my nose and sank onto my bed again. "I don't know. I mean, how do I tell my fiancé that I slept with Marshall and oh by the way I'm pregnant but I'm not sure if the baby is yours or his." I rolled my eyes. "I sound like such a slut, don't I?"

"Wait a minute, sis." Brandi sat across from me on the bed and placed a hand on my knee. "I'm really confused. First you said the baby was Marshall's. Now you said that you didn't know who the father is – which is it?"

I scrunched up my face. "Did I say Marshall was the father?"

Brandi nodded. "Right after you blurted out you'd slept with him."

I rubbed my forehead wearily as I felt a tension headache building behind my eyes. "Well, the timing is right for the baby to be Marshall's but it could be Raph's too. Apparently the brand of condoms I'm using isn't very effective!" I groaned and buried my face in a pillow to drown out the sound of Brandi's giggles.

"Come on, Mary. Why don't you start at the beginning and tell me what happened? You'll feel better." Brandi scooted closer to me and began to rub comforting circles on my back.

"I wouldn't even know where to start," I mumbled into the pillow.

"Start with the night you and Marshall slept together. How did you two end up falling into bed after all this time?"

I shifted my head until I could see her with one eye. "I bet you're just dying for all the juicy details," I groused.

Brandi stuck out her lower lip. "I really just want to listen and help you out, Mary. You've been such a support to me over the years and I want to return the favor. I've finally got my feet under me. I'm going to school and I've got Peter now. I think I've done enough growing up the past few months to listen and keep your secrets. Come on, let me be the big sister for once." Brandi squeezed my shoulder and waited.

I tried not to let my mouth fall open in shock. Who was this mature young woman? It couldn't be my baby sister – the constant screw-up who needed my help and assistance to bail her out of jams at every turn. Perhaps she had finally turned a corner in her life. Perhaps Peter had grounded her and provided her with that stabilizing influence that had been lacking. I tried not to snort. Shannon women didn't need men for anything – we survived and managed on our own, thank you very much.

Then why had I accepted Raph's proposal? If I didn't need a man, why did I want to make a lifetime commitment to someone who didn't even know the real me?

Because then he would stay. Deep down inside, I knew that everyone would leave me one day. If I had a lifetime commitment from someone the odds of them leaving me went down slightly. I thought Marshall would stay with me. I thought Marshall understood my childhood fears of abandonment even though they were incredibly hard for me to voice, even to him. But when he had thrown my fears back in my face today and taunted me with singing our song, I had felt something inside of me shatter. Not since my father had left me years ago had I felt this vulnerable and raw.

I knew I had hurt Marshall deeply through my words and actions over the years because I didn't love him the way he loved me.

Did I?

I hastily pushed the thought aside as I sat up, pulling the pillow into my lap and leaning wearily against the headboard. What had Brandi asked me a few minutes ago? How Marshall and I had ended up in bed together? I sighed, knowing that at least with this I could be completely open with her.

"You remember Lauren?"

I watched as Brandi's eyes widened and her expression became guarded. "Mom's friend's-"

I interrupted her with a wave of my hand. "It's okay, Squish. Mom told me who she is."

Brandi's eyes flooded with tears. "Oh Mary! I wanted to tell you but I was afraid of how you'd react and then I got arrested and in all honesty I forgot all about her!" Brandi hiccupped and I sighed again.

"What does she have to do with this?" Brandi asked.

"She's the beginning – and you wanted me to start at the beginning, remember?" I arched my eyebrow.

I tossed my pillow into her lap and laid my head on it. Brandi loosened my ponytail and ran her fingers through my hair as I told her how I took daddy's letters and ran to Marshall's after she was cleared of the drug charges. I told her how I drank scotch and searched his letters for any mention of another family. I told her how Marshall had found me, slightly drunk, and made me soup and sandwiches even though he was exhausted from flying and working all day. I told her how I completely lost it in his bedroom, screaming and crying over the letters and Marshall comforted me. I told her how after the lights were out and we climbed into bed I asked Marshall to make the pain go away and make love to me.

"I threw myself at him, Brandi. The poor sap never even had a chance."

Brandi's fingers kept up their gentle rhythm in my hair but I felt her chuckle. "I don't think he fought you very hard, Mary. He'd probably been dreaming of making love to you for years."

"_The night we spent together meant more to me than you will ever know."_

I shivered as Marshall's words, spoken in anger and truth, rang in my memory.

"What happened the next morning, when you woke up?" Brandi spoke, breaking through my thoughts.

"Marshall went for an early run and told me he would make chocolate chip pancakes when he got back," I smiled at the memory.

"Did you talk about it?" she pushed.

I winced.

_"Marshall, about last night-"_

_"Don't worry about it, Mer. You needed me and I helped you out, end of story."_

_Silence hung over the kitchen until he joined me at the table with his own stack of pancakes. I waited until he had taken a few bites before grabbing his free hand. "But are we OK? Is this going to affect our partnership?"_

_Marshall set his fork down and met my gaze. "Who do you see when you look at me?"_

_"What the hell kind of question is that, doofus?"_

_"I'm wondering if you see me any differently today than yesterday. Now answer my question."_

_"I see my partner, my best friend."_

_There was a slight pause before he said, "I see the same thing when I look at you, Mer. Last night did happen – but I don't think it needs to affect our relationship."_

Brandi groaned. "Tell me you didn't leave it there, sis. Tell me you talked about it later."

"There wasn't anything more to talk about – he said we were OK."

"Yeah, 'OK' like the Titanic after it hit the iceberg!" she snorted.

I sat up and stared at her, open mouthed.

"Mary, you can't be this stupid! He's head over heels in love with you and you guys had just made love!"

"He didn't say anything!" I screamed back.

"What was he supposed to say? You were already running halfway out the door! If he had said the words, you would have been in your car on the way to Santé Fe before he could have gotten the second word out!" Brandi was up and pacing my room now, something that I'd rarely seen her do. Pacing was my habit; Brandi usually just cried and ran from the room. "And since when do you need the words, anyway? You've never said them to me or mom but we know you love us! I think you've known about Marshall's feelings for awhile – you just refuse to admit them to yourself because they scare you shitless!"

The bedroom door banged open before I could answer and Jinx stood in the doorway.

"What's going on in here? Brandi, why are you shouting at your sister in her condition?"

I saw Peter standing behind Jinx and watched as his eyebrows rose.

"Geez mom, why don't you just take out an advertisement in the Journal that I'm knocked up!" I groaned.

Peter's mouth fell open and Jinx looked chagrined.

"I'm sorry, sweet pea. But I was worried about you when I heard-"

"Brandi and I were just talking about sister stuff. I'm fine, no morning sickness so far."

Peter took Jinx's elbow. "Let the girls talk. You and I can check on dinner and talk more about your job interview." He threw me a smile as they walked down the hall.

I kicked the door shut and leaned against it. "When did my life get so fucked up?" I wondered aloud.

"Do you want me to answer that?" Brandi smirked.

I glared at Brandi and moved towards my overnight bag.

"You're really not staying here tonight?"

I shook my head. "I need some peace and quiet." Jinx's laughter pierced the air.

"You won't get that here." Brandi rolled her eyes as she reached for my hand and I stilled, looking at her questioningly. "Look, I'm sorry I yelled."

I shrugged. "I've been told that I'm infuriating."

Brandi smiled. "But don't you see why Marshall can't stay? He can't stay and watch the woman he loves share her life with someone else, not after you guys had a night together. He knows what he's missing out on now," she grinned slyly and I laughed.

"When did you get so smart?"

"I think Peter's been slipping something in my morning coffee."

I sobered. "He promised to stay – to never leave me. You know, the last time he was shot."

"Mary," Brandi pulled me down to sit beside her on the bed. "I know that you're having the nightmares again. I hear you, screaming and crying in the night. It's worse than last time, isn't it?"

"Yes," I whispered. "He nearly died this time, Squish."

She reached up and tucked some hair behind my ear. "But he didn't."

"No, he didn't. But he's leaving me anyway."

"You can get him to stay, Mary. I know you love him."

"I do," I agreed. "I just don't know if I'm _**in**_ love with him."

"Well, big sister, you better figure it out soon."

* * *

_**Labor Day, 8pm**_

The probe's engine coughed and died in Marshall's driveway before I could turn it off. I leaned my head back against the seat and tried not to swear.

"Mom's going to have to invest in better transportation before you arrive, Peanut," I muttered as I spoke to my unborn child in the stillness of the car. "But there's no way in hell I'm driving a mini-van." I jerked the key out of the ignition and dropped it into my pocket.

Elizabeth had heard the dying gasps of my car and she was standing in the doorway of Marshall's house, waving. I grabbed my bag from the passenger seat and made my way toward her.

She scanned me up and down in silence for a moment before she spoke. "It's always wonderful to see you, Mary, but you look like something the cat dragged in. Rough day, sugar?" She placed an arm around my shoulder and led me into the house.

I perched on the edge of Marshall's big comfy couch and despite the warm day, pulled the afghan off the back towards me. I wrapped it around me and sank back into the cushions, looking up when I heard Elizabeth's chuckle.

"Marshall told me that afghan was your favorite. I'm glad to see it used – he said he loved it since I made it but I know he was just trying not to hurt my feelings."

"I do love it," I nodded. "It's so soft and not too warm that I can't bundle up with it in the summertime."

Elizabeth sat down on the opposite end of the couch, facing me. "Rough day at the office?"

I shrugged. "I've had worse, no one got shot." At Elizabeth's raised eyebrows, I continued. "A little girl did throw up on me."

Elizabeth's hand flew to her mouth in attempt to hide her grin. "I'm sure that wasn't pleasant, for her or you."

"I'm just happy I kept my own lunch down."

"Still, I don't think you would have been crying over vomit," Elizabeth prodded.

I raised startled eyes to hers.

Elizabeth smiled gently. "Your eyes are red."

"Marshall's leaving – did you know?" I blurted out.

A spasm of pain crossed the older woman's features before she nodded. "Yes, he told me last week."

I grunted. "I suppose Karen knows too."

Another nod. "But not the kids. Karen says he is having a hard time figuring out how to tell Katie."

I snorted. "Kids are resilient. I mean, she's nearly the same age I was when my father left me. She'll be fine, just like I was."

"Oh Mary."

Elizabeth's whisper tore at my heart but I didn't look at her; if I did, I would start crying again and I had done entirely too much of that this past month. I was beginning to think Brandi had been wrong when she said that I could get Marshall to stay. He had told Stan, his mother, and Karen of his transfer. I was one of the last to know – when I was supposedly one of the most important people in his life. Perhaps it really was too late to fix things. Maybe our partnership, our friendship, really was over.

A wave of nausea rolled through me and I clenched my teeth. _Peanut – how could things be over between us if Peanut was his? If he left for Seattle and Peanut turned out to be his child, could I raise his child alone, without him?_

The very thought caused bile to rise in my throat and I raced down the hall to the bathroom. Hugging the toilet, I leaned over the bowl and emptied my stomach of my mid-afternoon snack. I was vaguely aware of Elizabeth behind me, gathering my hair into a ponytail with her hands, whispering soothing words in my ear. Flushing the toilet, Elizabeth handed me some paper to wipe my mouth and I wearily sank to my knees and accepted it from her.

"You should be home in bed if you're sick, Mary."

"I'm not sick."

I watched her as comprehension dawned in her eyes. "How far along are you?"

"Almost eleven weeks."

Elizabeth sank onto the edge of the tub. "Wow, sugar. How are you feeling, aside from the morning sickness?"

"And the mood swings? And the hunger? And falling asleep at the drop of a hat? And having a super sense of smell?" I ticked off the points on my fingers. "Just ducky."

Elizabeth laughed. "Well, sugar, the morning sickness passes for most women after the first trimester. But the rest of those symptoms just come with the joy of being pregnant."

"Great," I grunted.

"Are you excited about being a mom?"

"I'm sure that feeling's in there somewhere."

Elizabeth nodded in understanding. "So what's on top of the excitement?"

"I'm terrified," I whispered.

The older woman stood up and came to sit beside me on the cold tile floor. "It's natural to be nervous about becoming a mom for the first time. Kids don't come with a manual and you'll make plenty of mistakes along the way. At the end of the day if your kid is safe, happy, and knows they're loved, that's what's important."

I shook my head in disbelief. "It can't be that easy, Elizabeth."

"Who says it's not?"

I drew my knees up to my chest. "I don't know how to do this, Elizabeth."

"Do what, Mary?"

"Raise a child," I whispered. "Love a child."

To my amazement, she disagreed with me. "Sure you do. Marshall tells me you practically raised Brandi because your own mother was passed out most of the time."

"That's different. Squish is my sister, Peanut is my child. I'm going to be his or her parent, not a sister. I don't relate well to children. Hell, I don't relate well to most adults. Surely Marshall has told you this."

Elizabeth laughed. "My son has told me that your people skills leave something to be desired at times, yes. But he has also said that you have surprised him on occasion, and that you have been a wonderful aunt to Karen's kids. You've gotten some practice in with them over the years." She placed an arm loosely around my shoulders again. "Mary, the first time you hold your child in your arms, it's like the world comes into perspective. Have you ever felt like the world was tilting, shifting, falling down around you?"

I thought about getting the news I was pregnant. I thought about Marshall being shot and bleeding to death before my eyes. I thought about discovering Marshall's transfer papers and our following argument.

I nodded.

"When you hold your son or daughter in your arms for the first time, it's like everything makes sense. You know that you're here to love and protect them and make the world a better place for them. Your vision shrinks to see the world through their eyes."

"And the fear? Does it go away?"

Elizabeth sighed. "No, Mary. But it shifts into a protective fear for your child. It becomes less about you and more about them. The protective mode for a child is something I think you can relate to as a US Marshal."

I thought about the witnesses who came into the program, the parents who sacrificed on behalf of their children and those who choose not to. There had always been a part of me that believed James Shannon had gone into the Witness Protection Program. Why he had not taken his family with him was a question that kept me awake for many nights after I became a Marshal. I would probably never know the answer. But he must have decided that it was the best way to protect us and now that I was going to be a parent myself, a part of me understood his decision that hadn't before.

I nodded. My partner and I knew all about protection – for each other and our witnesses.

"I just – I don't think I can do this alone, Elizabeth. I was really counting on Marshall's support."

Her forehead wrinkled. "I know you're going to miss him, sugar. But he's only going to Seattle, not Australia or someplace far away. I'm sure he'll come back for the birth. And it's not like he's the father, is it?"

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***Um, what does Mary say to this? Up next: the conversation between Mary, Elizabeth, and Karen where the sonogram pic gets dropped and picked up by Katie. Reviews are love!**


	10. Chapter 10

***Story Note: Ok readers, here's the plan! we have 1 more chapter to go with this story. This will catch us up to where "It's too late" ended. But never fear! That's not the end! When this story is complete look for the next one: "Realizations" - which will complete the trilogy and all will be revealed, I promise. *looks at muses***

***Chapter note: So this was going to be where Elizabeth, Mary, and Karen talk and Katie finds the sonogram pic -but- the muses that other plans! Instead, Elizabeth uses more of her "sixth" sense to ferret out the truth and gives Mary an important letter. Mary begins to awaken to the truth of her feelings. . . .

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"I just – I don't think I can do this alone, Elizabeth. I was really counting on Marshall's support."

Her forehead wrinkled. "I know you're going to miss him, sugar. But he's only going to Seattle, not Australia or someplace far away. I'm sure he'll come back for the birth. And it's not like he's the father, is it?"

I tried not to bite my lip and give myself away as I struggled with how to answer Elizabeth's seemingly innocent question. I had already caused Marshall so much pain – and I didn't even know if Peanut was his. How could I cause more pain to him and this wonderful woman by telling her something I wasn't sure of myself? Thinking fast, I backed away from the precipice on which I was standing.

"It's just that Marshall has been my partner for almost seven years and he knows me better than anyone else, even Raphael. We're going to have some knockdown, drag out fights when he gets back and finds out I'm pregnant and I won't quit my job. He hates what I do," I finished softly.

"Doesn't he realize how important your job is to you? That being a US Marshal is in your blood, just like it is in Marshall's?" Elizabeth said with a frown.

I snorted. "The only thing Raph has ever been passionate about is baseball and that came to an end last year when he blew out his knee. Since then he's been loafing around, trying to find something to take up his time. But when he finds out I'm pregnant? He's going to go all caveman on me. Beat his chest, club me over the head, drag me back to the cave and tell me to cook some meat, while he goes off to provide for his family."

Elizabeth laughed. "Mary, you'd never settle for that kind of treatment in a million years!"

I shook my head. "Damn right I won't – that's why we'll have the fights and probably call off the wedding and then it will just be me and Peanut."

"You don't seem all that upset by the idea that you and Raph might call off the wedding?"

I shrugged. "It's inevitable, really. No one stays, Elizabeth."

"Sugar, please forgive me for asking, but where the hell did you get such a ridiculous idea?"

I blinked at the anger behind her words, and then sighed. "It's from life experience, Elizabeth. The person I loved the most in this world walked out on me when I was six years old."

"Your father."

I nodded, as I wrapped my arms around my knees again and tried to resist the urge to rock. "My dad left, leaving me to pick up the pieces of our family the best I could. Believe me, Elizabeth, I learned from an early age that I was better off not relying on people because they were unreliable. They would hurt you and let you down and eventually leave, just like he did."

"Mary, listen to me. Just because he left doesn't mean everyone you rely on will leave you too. Look at all the people you have in your life today: your mom, your sister, Raphael, Karen and her kids, Stan, Marshall, me. That's a pretty long list, sugar, of people who love you and are still here."

"But for how long? I've already driven Marshall away. It's only a matter of time before the rest of you get fed up with my crap and leave too." I muttered as I stared at the floor. "Let's face it, I'm not the easiest person to love. In fact most of the time I can be a bitch to those who are the closest to me. I have no idea what Raph sees in me, let alone why he wants to marry me. You'd think that Raph would know me the best since he's my fiancé, wouldn't you?" I turned my head and looked at Elizabeth as I shook my head. "But he doesn't. It's Marshall, it's always been Marshall – and I've put him through hell. I've been mean and cruel and cutting and he's endured it all because he's in love with me!" I laughed. "I still can't believe it! Why would he be in love with me? He deserves so much better."

Elizabeth stared at me in silence for a few minutes before she slowly got to her feet. "I'll be right back," she whispered.

I stared after her in confusion, wondering if I had finally said too much. But she was back before I could even think about leaving.

She sat next to me on the floor again and my eyes were instantly drawn to a folded envelope in her hand. She leveled her piercing blue eyes at me, eyes that were exact copies of her son's.

"I can't answer your questions about why Marshall loves you, Mary. But I do know that he has loved you for a very long time. You are all he talks about – even back in the first year of your partnership when you were driving each other crazy. He's only been on a handful of dates since you came into his life and none of them ever warranted a second date. He's taken a bullet for you and he's waited for you for years and **now** he decides to transfer? What aren't you telling me?"

"Please, Elizabeth, I don't want to hurt you too," I whispered, dropping my eyes.

I felt her fingers under my chin and she forced my eyes back up to meet hers. She gazed into mine wordlessly for a moment before nodding.

"Is the baby Marshall's?"

My throat was suddenly dry and tight, making speech difficult. "I don't know," I croaked. "But it could be."

Elizabeth nodded again. "Am I going to have to browbeat the two of you and hogtie you before you'll talk to each other about this?"

"We didn't exactly part on the best of terms tonight. And I know that I could have told him about the baby before now but with Raph out of town I guess I was waiting for him to come back so I could tell them both at the same time."

Elizabeth's eyebrows rose. "Together? In the same room?" She was trying not to laugh.

I bit my lip, trying not to smile. "No, I don't have a death wish!"

"If you wait much longer, the baby is going to tell them for you."

I rubbed my forehead wearily. "I – can we talk about this in the morning? I've never been good with talking about my feelings and I'm suddenly exhausted."

Elizabeth agreed that I needed to rest and she helped me off the bathroom floor. I motioned to the envelope in her hand.

"What's that?"

"Oh, I almost forgot!" She placed it in my hand. "Remember you were saying you didn't know how Marshall could love you? Well, maybe this will answer some of your questions. I found it tucked in the pages of his Seattle guidebook."

I swallowed as I looked at his handwriting on the front. It read: _l'amour Cherie, Mary_. "If this entire thing is in French, I'm not coming to you for a translation," I muttered as I blushed.

Elizabeth laughed. "I understand. But I will tell you that _l'amour Cherie _means 'darling love'."

I rolled my eyes. "He's such a romantic sap. It's all those girly movies he watches." I headed to his room to get a pair of my pajamas but Elizabeth's voice made me stop and turn in the doorway.

"Oh, Mary? I don't want to hear any more talk of you not being 'good enough' for Marshall. Even if that baby isn't my grandchild, you're still a beautiful woman inside and out and I'd be proud to have you for a daughter-in-law."

* * *

_**1:33am**_

I woke up gasping for breath, the sheets tangled around my legs, my skin sticky with a light layer of sweat. My eyes darted around the room, taking in the surroundings that were familiar and yet different from my own bedroom at home. As I wiped the remainder of tears from my cheeks, there was a soft knock at the door before it opened. Elizabeth stood framed in the doorway, backlit by the light from the hallway, in her nightgown and slippers. She shuffled into the room and stood at the foot of the bed.

"Mary, sugar? Are you all right?"

The day's events ran through my mind in a moment, ending with the nightmare of Marshall's shooting that I had just woken up from in terror.

I pulled myself up to a sitting position, leaning back against the headboard. "I'm sorry, Elizabeth, did I wake you?"

She came and sat next to me on the bed. "Don't worry about me," she waved her hand dismissively. "You're the one that was crying out in your sleep. Nightmare, I take it?"

"Yes."

"What was it about?"

I blew my breath out in a loud sigh. "You have to ask?"

"The night Marshall got shot?"

I nodded.

"He's okay, Mary. He's alive and well across town in the hospital, and he's coming home tomorrow."

"My subconscious mind seems to have a hard time remembering that fact."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

I grinned sheepishly. "I'm hungry."

Elizabeth laughed. "How about I fix you a midnight snack? What would you like?"

"You'll laugh."

"Are you having cravings already?"

"Sort of. I hate bananas, but Peanut loves them."

Elizabeth tapped her chin in thought. "How about a peanut butter banana sandwich?"

My stomach rumbled in the stillness of the room and we both laughed. "I can't believe I'm going to say this but that sounds delicious."

Elizabeth kissed my forehead and told me to stay put; she would bring me the snack in bed.

As soon as she was out of sight, I pulled the folded envelope out from under the pillow. I had been too much of a coward and too exhausted to open it before falling asleep hours before. Now the missive was burning in my hand and I wondered what message it contained. Would it really answer my questions, like Elizabeth claimed or would it just raise more as my father's always did?

I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths, reminding myself with each one that Marshall was not my father. He was not the man who had walked out on his family. Once he knew about Peanut and if he was indeed the father, there was no doubt in my mind that he would always be there for our child.

_But he made the same promise to always stay with you – and he's leaving. Just like your father. He even said you were right this afternoon; that no one stays. And if you can't trust Marshall, who can you trust?_

My eyes burned with unshed tears as I tried to shut my inner voice off – the one that also whispered in my ear about not trusting anyone; that I was better off by myself. The problem with listening to that voice was then I remained constantly alone and cut off from those who tried to care for me. And I was discovering that I was getting weary of keeping people at arms' length. They were only trying to love me, God help them! And I was trying to keep them from storming the castle walls of my heart by lobbing mortar shells in the form of verbal insults and physical distance.

To what end? To prove that I, Mary Shannon, wasn't the scared, abandoned little girl left by her father anymore? That I could grab the world by the balls and shake it until it cried 'Uncle'? To prove to everyone that I didn't need family, friends, or a man to fill the aching place in my heart?

What did I **need**? Isn't that what Marshall used to ask me?

"_Tell me what you need."_

When was the last time he had asked me that? When did he stop? Why did he stop asking me that? Did he know what I needed?

I glanced down at the envelope still clutched in my hand. Did his letter talk about what he needed? God, why had I never bothered to ask Marshall what he needed?

_Because you really are a selfish bitch, Mary Shannon; you take and you take and it takes something earth-shattering like your partner getting shot and nearly dying before you realize what's been right in front of you for years._

The envelope fluttered to the bed.

What if Marshall was what I needed?

Elizabeth interrupted my train of thought as she came back into the room, carrying a tray with a sandwich and a mug on it.

"Sorry I took so long, but I thought you might like some of my cocoa to go with the sandwich." She placed the tray across my lap and the scent of chocolate wafted up to my nose.

I grinned. "You make the best cocoa, Elizabeth." I picked up a sandwich half and took a bite, groaning in delight.

Elizabeth smiled and yawned. "I'm going to head back to bed now if you're sure you'll be all right."

I nodded around the mouthful of food. Swallowing, I managed to ask her, "How did you know – that I'd like the sandwich?"

I could see the twinkle in her eyes clear across the room. "It was Marshall's favorite sandwich as a child. Good night, sugar."

I sighed, knowing that this was not as good as DNA proof that the child I was carrying was Marshall's. Still, I just couldn't ignore the feeling that grew stronger with each passing day that Peanut was his. Before I knew it, I had polished off the sandwich and was settling in with my cocoa. I reached for the envelope and pulled the sheets of paper out. I blew a breath of relief out when I saw that it was in English.

"_Mer, I don't even know if I will give this letter to you. It seems the coward's way out to tell you in a letter that I'm leaving. I've put in for a transfer to Seattle, effective immediately. Well, there are some loose ends with witnesses to wrap up, and the sale of my house needs to go through, but as soon as those are taken care of, I will be on my way to the West Coast. _

"_I know I promised that I would never leave you – that I would be the one to always stay by your side. I know that by transferring to Seattle I am breaking that promise, breaking your trust, and thereby quite possibly severing our relationship. Please try to believe me that it was never my intention to leave you. There is no place I would rather be than by your side. _

"_This was not always the case. Remember our first year together? We drove each other insane. I honestly don't know why you stayed in New Mexico, why you stayed with me. I drove you crazy with my trivia about little known facts about mammals, my love of all things sci-fi, and the very fact that I thought things through instead of shooting first and asking questions later."_

I smiled as I recalled our first year together. It hadn't been easy. I thought Marshall didn't even know how to fire a gun – that he just wore it for a decoration because I'd never seen him draw it! The first time we'd gone to a shooting range and he had actually beaten my score, I'd been livid and had practiced every day for two weeks until I'd beaten it. His constant trivia and sci-fi memorabilia made me want to scream that first year. Now I smiled as I realized was drinking my cocoa out of a Darth Vader mug and we regularly had Star Trek marathons.

"_You drove me to distraction as well. I complained plenty to Karen that first year but she wasn't that sympathetic since I had brought you out here in the first place! You were harsh with the witnesses and rushed headlong into danger without stopping to think. You brandished your weapon like it was your favorite toy and not a weapon to be taken seriously. It's still a wonder to me how you didn't end up accidentally shooting me our first year together. But we slowly found our footing and a friendship blossomed._

"_I can't tell you when or how I fell in love with you, Mary Shannon, but I can tell you the exact moment I realized I was. It was the case with Marnie when you got the flesh wound in your arm. When I tackled you both to the ground and you lay so still for a moment because I knocked the wind out of you. I thought that was it. That you had been hit and that you were gone. That's when I knew that I was in love with you and I was completely screwed. Then you got up and started giving Marnie hell and everything was back to normal and I buried my feelings – something I've gotten better at over the years."_

I blew out another shaky breath as I recalled that day. That was way back in 2005! Marshall had been in love with me for 3 years and hadn't breathed a word of his feelings until after my engagement? Why?

"_If I ever get around to giving you this letter, you're going to be wondering about now why on earth I didn't say something about how I felt. What would you have me say, Mary? 'I'm madly in love with you and I want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you?' We both know that you would have run for the hills faster than a jackrabbit (which is about 35-40 mph). We'd been partners for almost three years when I realized how I felt about you and I also knew by then that there was no place I wanted to be than by your side. Telling you how I felt would have made you run and I would have lost my best friend, my only friend. So I decided to remain quiet, keep you as a partner and best friend and let the dream of what could be go._

"_Some days this decision was easier to face than others. But I never actually thought you would find someone you wanted to share your life with – you always claimed never to be the 'happily ever after' girl, even though I knew better. When Raphael came into your life, I wasn't that concerned. You didn't even acknowledge him as your boyfriend and both of us were completely floored when he popped the question before he left for Florida. When he came back injured, you continued to date him but no mention was made of marriage. _

"_Then came Lauren, Brandi's arrest, and the fallout. Even now, I can't help but wonder what would be happening if you and I hadn't slept together that night. We never talked about it, not really. You asked if we were ok, do you remember. How was I supposed to answer that, Mary? That was a night I had dreamt about, fantasized about so many times but it had happened for all the wrong reasons and I was feeling like I had taken advantage to you in a weak state. _

The tears were starting to slip down my cheeks now. He had felt like he had taken advantage of me? I had felt like I had seduced him! Brandi had been right – we should have talked about what happened between us when it happened.

"_Even with my reassurance that everything was OK, you ran away faster than a cheetah (75-125 mph) that morning. Imagine how fast you would have run if I had tried to take you in my arms and made love to you like I wanted to! Even so, it was weeks before I could sleep in my own bed because of the images that flooded my head every time I entered my room. I know now what you feel like, what you sound like, what you taste like, and my senses are still alive with the memories._

A sob threatened to escape my throat and with my free hand I smothered the sound. I, too, had memories from that night that wouldn't be denied. The feel of Marshall's lips as they whispered words and feather light touches over my skin. Had he said 'I love you' that night? I had the vague impression of the words being mouthed against the skin of my neck just before oblivion had taken me.

"_What happened next still is painful for me to write down in black and white. You ran – even without knowing the depth of my feelings, you ran. The next thing I knew you were engaged to Raphael and suddenly he knew about WitSec – even now I'm not sure which the bigger betrayal is. Even if our night was nothing more than comfort to you, for me it was all about making love to my l'amour Cherie. _

"_This is why I can't stay in Albuquerque. Why I can't stay and continue to be your partner after you marry Raphael. Even though I'm angry you told him about WitSec, I trust your judgment that he won't tell anyone. But the heart of the matter is, you are getting married and I can't stay and watch you live your life with someone who doesn't know the real you. I'm not trying to badmouth your fiancé, but we both know that I'm telling the truth. He hates what you do for a living. He wants to have a family and that idea scares you shitless. If, by some miracle he gets you so drunk you don't know what you're doing and you get pregnant, he'll want you to quit and be at home with the baby. _

"_I can't stay and watch this happen to you. Not that I believe for a second that you'll comply with his wishes but you do have a strong desire to please, Mer. What about you? Has anyone asked what you want? Or is everyone so busy planning your wedding for you? Don't they know that you want a quiet wedding at the courthouse in the middle of the week, with Karen and Brandi as witnesses? Or a backyard barbeque at Karen's afterwards?_

"_How do I know this? I shouldn't tell you this, Mer, when you're about to get married to another man but here goes. I know because I know you. I know because that's what I want with you. And yes, eventually that life would have included children because contrary to your fears I know that you would make a kickass mother._

I couldn't breathe. Marshall wanted a life with me – a marriage, complete with children. Why did that possibility not scare me as it did with Raphael?

"_I'm sorry for sharing my picture with you – and perhaps I will never give you this letter. Perhaps I will take it with me to Seattle and keep it and take it out now and then and look at it. Show it to the grandkids one day and say, 'Yup, your granddad loved this woman in New Mexico once. Wonder whatever happened to her.'_

My heart was in my throat. "No, Marshall. We'll show it to our grandkids one day. Together."

* * *

**Is Mary realizing her feelings for Marshall? Elizabeth is one smart mama, huh? Stay tuned for the last chapter! Reviews are love!**


	11. Chapter 11

***Here it is, folks, the end of Mary's journey! But this is by no means the end of M/M's story . . . keep your eyes peeled for the next installment "Realizations"**

***Mary gets a glimpse of the future that prompts her to make a decision about her present. (If you haven't had these song lyrics in your head from the story title, you win a booby prize! Not quite sure what that is . . . but you should win one!)  


* * *

**

"_A strangled smile fell from your face  
It kills me that I hurt you this way  
The worst part is that I didn't even know  
Now there's a million reasons for you to go  
But if you can find a reason to stay  
I'll do whatever it takes  
To turn this around  
I know what's at stake  
I know that I've let you down  
And if you give me a chance  
Believe that I can change  
I'll keep us together whatever it takes"_

_**-Lifehouse

* * *

**_

_I gazed at my reflection in the full length mirror in amazement. 'Who knew Mary Shannon would look so good in a wedding dress?' I had always thought blondes looked washed out in their wedding dresses – but the blush in my cheeks that Brandi had so carefully applied kept me from looking pale. My fingers skimmed the full skirt shakily as I felt the butterflies in my stomach. Why was I so nervous? This was the day every little girl dreamt of, wasn't it? My forehead wrinkled as I caught sight of the engagement ring on my left hand. I frowned. Something was wrong – this wasn't my ring. I glanced back in the mirror and my frown deepened. This dress looked vaguely familiar but it too felt wrong._

_I saw the door open behind me in the mirror and Brandi slipped into the room. Well, waddled was more like it. She was dressed in a baby blue bridesmaid dress with an empire waist to accommodate her very pregnant belly. _

"_Squish, you really should be sitting down somewhere with your feet up," I glared at her in the mirror as I turned to face her._

_Brandi rolled her eyes at me. "Not you too! Peter has had me sitting with my feet up for the past twenty minutes while mom fussed over me. I had to wait until their backs were turned to make my escape back here to see if you were ready to get this show on the road."_

_I shrugged. "I think so."_

_Brandi frowned at me as she rubbed her lower back. "What's wrong, sis? Don't tell me you're getting cold feet now."_

_I shook my head. "I don't think so. It's just that – before you came in just now, something felt off. Like the ring and dress weren't really mine. Silly, huh?"_

_Brandi smiled. "Well, I told you that I thought you were nuts for wanting to wear mom's dress. I mean, who know you went in for tradition?"_

_I whirled back to the mirror, suddenly remembering why it looked so familiar. Before mom had burned the pictures, I had spent hours looking at my parents' wedding albums. It was amazing she had kept the dress and not hocked it for liquor or burned it in the fire with everything else James Shannon owned._

"_I guess I just wanted to feel closer to him today," I sighed._

_Brandi came to my side and wrapped her arms around me as best she could with her belly. I felt my niece or nephew kick my side and I laughed._

"_I'm so glad our Stevie will be close in age to Maria. They'll be great friends as well as cousins," Brandi sighed._

"_Maria?" I echoed._

"_Your daughter? You know, my niece? Peanut?" Brandi rolled her eyes at the name I had bestowed on the baby when I was still pregnant._

_I startled. Could Marshall and I have picked a name closer to Mary? I had actually let him name our daughter after __**me**__? I shook my head._

_There was a soft tap at the door and Jinx poked her head in. "Everyone's here and we're ready to begin. But first, there's a little girl here who just has to see her mama." She came into the room with a baby in her arms. The little girl was wearing a white dress embroidered with pink and yellow rosebuds and had white sateen slippers on her tiny feet. As soon as her big brown eyes spotted me, her chubby arms reached out to me and she began to coo and squeal. My heart was in my throat as I took in her eyes and her curly brown hair. I stepped forward before she fell out of Jinx's arms reaching for me._

_I settled Maria against my hip and she nuzzled my neck as I tried not to panic. This was wrong, terribly wrong. My own daughter looked nothing like me or Marshall. She looked like. . . ._

"_Are you ready, sweet pea? Raphael is waiting for you up front."_

_I swallowed. "Where's Marshall? I need to talk to him."_

_Brandi and my mother exchanged glances. "We sent him an invitation, Mary, but he said he couldn't get away from work, remember? He sent you guys a wedding gift though," Brandi whispered._

_I looked down at the brown haired, brown eyed baby in my arms and shook my head. "This is wrong. This isn't the way things are supposed to be," I whispered. Maria began to whimper and my mothering instinct took over as I began to bounce her gently._

"_Mary, what are you talking about? Today is your wedding day – the day you and Chico have planned for so long is finally happening."_

_I shook my head vigorously as I paced with Maria. "No, this is not happening! Marshall is the father of my child."_

_Brandi and Jinx both gasped. Jinx recovered first._

"_Sweet Pea, you only have to look at my granddaughter to see who her father is."_

"_And I'm telling you it's supposed to be Marshall! I don't know what rabbit hole I've fallen down but that's the way things are supposed to be. She's his daughter and her name will definitely not be Maria. Marshall would not name our daughter after me – because that's not what I want."_

_The door burst open and Raphael strode in wearing a tuxedo. "Querida, what's going on? We have a church full of people and I'm waiting and my mother-"_

"_Oh, screw your mother, Raph!"_

"_Mary! Watch your language in front of our bambina!"_

"_She's talking crazy, Raphael, about Marshall and stuff again," Jinx whined._

_Raph grabbed my elbow and steered me into a corner of the room. "I thought we'd worked past this, Mary. I've worked hard to forgive you for sleeping with your partner and you have promised to remain faithful to me. Marshall is out of our lives now for good. Why would you threaten our wedding day by bringing up your mistake again?"_

_I wrenched my elbow free from his grip and backed away. "My mistake?" I repeated his words in disbelief. "My only mistake was that I nearly married you today." _

_Brandi tried to reason with me. "Mary, please just calm down. All brides get cold feet before their wedding."_

"_You didn't, Squish. But then you were marrying the man of your dreams." I paused to look at each one of them. "I keep telling you this is wrong but you won't listen. You've never taken the time to listen, to ask me what I need, what I want. There's only been one man who has and I let him walk away."_

"Mary. Mary! Wake up, sugar. It's just a dream."

I heard Elizabeth calling but I was fighting through a fog that wasn't letting me go. "I let him walk away," I muttered.

"Come on, sugar. Open your eyes."

I could feel cool hands smoothing the hair back from my face as the last vestiges of the sleep fog cleared my brain. I groaned and opened my eyes to see Elizabeth's worried face peering down into mine.

"That must have been some crazy dream you were having. You were moaning and muttering in your sleep quite a bit," Elizabeth said softly.

The harder I tried to recall the dream, the further the details fled. "It's already starting to fade. I remember being in a wedding dress and Brandi was pregnant," I laughed. "And I saw my little girl." My hand crept down to my stomach.

Elizabeth beamed. "Do you remember what she looked like?"

For some reason, the question made me uneasy. "No, I don't. Just that it was a girl."

"Well, I'm sure she was beautiful, just like her mother."

I groaned. "I'll feel more beautiful after a shower."

Elizabeth glanced at the clock on the nightstand. "You just have time if you hurry. Karen and the kids are coming over for breakfast."

I paused in the bathroom doorway. "Why?"

"You haven't told her anything yet, have you?"

I shook my head.

"I thought not. We need to put our heads together since I'm leaving tonight."

I suddenly found my feet fascinating. "I wish you didn't have to leave so soon."

Elizabeth's laugh filled the room. "I've been here nearly a month, Sugar."

"Well, I meant, now. I wish you didn't have to leave now."

I didn't even hear her cross the room. Her strong arms enveloped me and I didn't fight the embrace. I laid my head on her shoulder like a little child.

"I promise to come back and visit soon. You've given me a double incentive to come to Albuquerque now."

I nodded and sniffed against her shoulder before I pulled away. With a twinkle in my eye I said sassily, "If it's a girl, maybe I'll name her Sugar."

"Oh, you!" Elizabeth swatted my butt as I darted into the bathroom.

* * *

"Why didn't you tell me?" Karen demanded over the rim over her coffee cup.

I sighed as I sopped up the last bit of my egg yolk with my toast. Karen and the kids had arrived a few minutes after I had gotten out of the shower. I had hurriedly gotten dressed, shaking my head in disbelief as I had to struggle to get my pants to button. Surely I couldn't need to go shopping for maternity clothes yet? Running my fingers through my wet hair, I had entered the kitchen only to be tackled by Katie and Tommy. Karen was feeding Jamie but her eyes met mine across the room and I knew that she knew some of my news.

Once Katie and Tommy had finished eating, Karen shooed them outside to play and the three of us settled down to talk. Karen shared the news that she had visited Marshall after I did last night and knew all about our argument. Deciding that I needed her support and advice, especially since Elizabeth was leaving tonight, I came clean and told her everything else.

I raised my eyebrow. "I think I did just tell you."

"Brat." She shook a finger at me. "I mean, why did you keep this to yourself for so long? You've known about your pregnancy for almost six weeks, Mer! You must have been going out of your mind."

I stirred sugar into my tea and took a long sip before answering. "You've been Marshall's friend for a lot longer than you've been mine – I didn't want to put you in the middle of things."

"So you thought my loyalties lay with him? That's crazy, Mary! We're women – we have to stick together."

I laughed, shrugging my shoulders. "I didn't know, Kare. I've never had a woman friend."

"Well, you've got one now. And believe me, you're going to need me over the next six months."

I sobered. "I'm scared, Kare. I don't think I can do this."

"Sure you can. You're a terrific aunt and even though you hide it well, I know you love my kids. So just imagine how much more you'll love that little baby growing inside you."

We sipped our tea and coffee for a moment in silence before I asked Elizabeth if there were any bananas left.

Karen looked at me in astonishment. "You hate bananas."

"Tell that to Peanut." I patted my stomach.

She laughed. "So tell me what other wonderful symptoms you are already experiencing."

I filled her in on the past few weeks as Elizabeth set a sliced banana and some peanut butter in front of me. Smiling my thanks I said, "This morning I could barely button my pants. I can't possibly need to go shopping for maternity clothes already?"

Karen tapped her chin. "It is a bit early but every pregnancy is different." Then she laughed. "Maybe there's more than one baby in there."

I paled as the room spun and grabbed the edge of the table.

"Karen Grace!" Elizabeth chastised as she swatted my friend's hand and placed her arm around my shoulders. "Sugar, you all right?"

"Shit, I'm sorry, Mary! I forgot that you're new to all this mother stuff and that probably wasn't funny."

"No, it wasn't!" I glared at her as I took a deep breath and the world settled back into focus. "But I can prove to you that there's only one in there."

"Mary, I believe you," Karen's reply followed me as I went to the living room and found my purse on the couch and brought it back to the kitchen table.

I dug around inside it until I extracted the folded piece of paper and handed to Karen.

"There's Peanut – and there's only one," I said triumphantly.

Karen looked at the sonogram picture and smiled before handing it to Elizabeth. I watched as a smile spread across her face but didn't quite eclipse the pain in her eyes.

"Elizabeth, I want you to know that I-"

She placed one hand on my shoulder as she set the picture on the table. "I know, Sugar. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. I'm going to go start packing before I head to the hospital."

"Damn it! I never wanted to hurt her," I whispered as soon as she shut the guest room door.

Karen clasped my hand. "She's a tough lady. She'll be okay." She gave my hand a squeeze before she let go to take another sip of coffee. "When's your next doctor's appointment?"

"My doctor has made an appointment for me with an OB-GYN at the hospital, a Dr. Day. My first appointment is next week."

"Want me to go with you?"

I was genuinely surprised by her offer and it showed on my face.

"You're not alone anymore, Mary."

I let the words surround me like Elizabeth's warm afghan. "Let me think about it?"

Karen nodded as my cell phone rang. Groaning, I answered to discover that Sarah Dimson had called the office twice to see if I was on the way with Johnny's paperwork. I told Stan that I would be on the way to the Dimson's in ten minutes, calling Sarah en route.

I brushed my hair and pulled it into a ponytail as Karen gathered her kids from the backyard. We told Elizabeth good-bye and all of us ended up leaving the house at the same time. In the confusion of the mass exodus, I completely forgot about Peanut's sonogram picture on the kitchen table.

* * *

I was able to met Elizabeth for an early supper before her flight home. We talked about Marshall's recovery and my pregnancy. She made me promise to tell him about the baby soon.

"Does 'soon' have a timeline?" I asked as took another bite of peach cobbler.

"Don't make me come back here and knock your heads together, Sugar!"

I laughed.

It took some fast maneuvering, but I managed to wrestle the check away from her and pay for the meal. As I was signing the check, I asked her exactly where in the Seattle guidebook she had found the letter.

"Why?"

I took a deep breath. I had been thinking about this all day, actually ever since I had read the letter. Marshall had stated several times that he didn't know if he would give it to me and in the end, he hadn't. His mother had found it and **she** had given it to me. While the letter had proven to be very illuminating and given me a great deal to think about, I knew my partner would be embarrassed and possibly angry if he knew I had read it without his permission.

"Because I'm going to put it back in the same spot. The envelope wasn't sealed and hopefully he won't know I've read it – at least not until after we've had a chance to talk about everything."

Elizabeth stared at me in silence for a while before saying, "I found the letter on page 230. The top of the page talks about elk crossing the highway and how they have equipped the animals with radio collars that trip the 'elk crossing' signs to prevent them from getting hit by cars."

I shook my head in amusement. "Mammal trivia. I wonder how fast an elk can run."

* * *

The day Marshall was released from the hospital was warm and sunny – a typical late summer day in the desert. Karen and the kids picked him up and the plan was for me to get pies from Maggie's and join them for supper. I had not seen or spoken to Marshall since Labor day and I wondered how he would react to seeing me. Hell, I wondered how I would react after reading his letter and the roller coaster of emotions my pregnancy kept me on. My stomach was tied in knots and I wondered if I would be able to eat any of Karen's cooking; maybe just enough to not raise my partner's suspicions?

My cell rang just as I was leaving the Sunshine building to pick up the pies.

"This is Mary."

"Hi, Mary."

"Hi, Karen. Don't worry, I'm leaving now to get the pies. I won't be late."

"That's not why I'm calling." I could hear Katie and Tommy playing in the background as she paused.

"What's wrong? Is it Marshall?"

"No, Mary, he's fine. He's taking a nap right now."

I sagged against the wall of the elevator in relief. "Then what is it?"

"He knows."

I didn't have to ask what he knew. "How?" I whispered.

"Katie found your sonogram picture and she showed it to him. She'd already figured out you were pregnant. I'm so sorry, Mary."

So that's what happened to it! I had looked for it last night but hadn't found it. It never occurred to me that I had left it at Marshall's.

"Not your fault. I must have left it on the table."

Karen laughed uneasily. "I didn't know what to do. I couldn't really get upset with her on your behalf when she doesn't understand what's going on. I mean, she's excited you and Raph are having a baby!"

I laughed hollowly. "Of course she's excited about the baby."

"Do you still want to come to supper? I would understand if you don't. Things are tense around here anyway since Marshall told Katie this afternoon he's leaving."

"What? He told her today – his first day home?"

"Yes, she was crushed, Mer."

"Of course she was. She adores her Uncle Mars."

"She really wants to see you but I can tell her you got hung up at work if you just want to go home."

It was tempting, very tempting. But we needed to talk – especially now that the truth was out. The fact that he had told Katie meant that he was still determined to leave and I felt my defenses rising again.

"No, Karen, I'm on the way now."

* * *

It wasn't a surprise that I couldn't keep supper down. It also wasn't a surprise that Marshall followed me to the bathroom and much like his mother, held my hair back while I bent over the porcelain bowl.

It also wasn't a surprise that our talk after Karen and kids left reduced us both to tears. My defensive walls were back up and I lashed out at him, blaming him for deserting me like my father. When he dodged that volley, I launched my counterattack, telling him how much I needed him, how much Peanut needed him, that I couldn't do this without him. His next words broke my heart and reduced me to tears because he was right. What I was asking of him was incredibly selfish and he deserved so much more.

_"You're asking me to stay and what? Watch you get married? Watch you grow heavy with child? Help you through the cravings and the heartburn and the gas and the childbirth classes knowing all the time that this baby might not be mine? Be with you in the delivery room and fall in love with a child that I desperately want but in the end look down into her chocolate eyes and see Raphael instead? You and Karen and mom are asking a hell of a lot from me! I'm tired of giving and giving and giving to you, Mer, and getting nothing but friendship in return. Don't I deserve some happiness? Someone who looks at me in adoration and love? Someone who will share my life and bear my children? Maybe that someone is waiting for me in Seattle."_

I forced myself not to call Karen when I went to bed. She had whispered in my ear as she left to call her if he upset me or I needed anything tonight. But I couldn't do it. It was my own fault for getting him upset, pushing him to saying those words that hurt me because they were true. I had been itching for a fight practically from the moment I walked into the house tonight.

When I had opened the door and saw him standing in the hallway, I had had to fight the urge to throw myself into his arms like some lovesick teenager. But then Katie had come around the corner. I could still see the tear tracks on her sweet little face and just that fast, the walls had snapped back up. The warrior Mary who grabbed the world by the balls and shook it until it cried 'Uncle' took over – or was it simply the lost, abandoned little girl identified with Katie in that moment and I had lashed out from the pain of that old wound? Would I never be free from the specter of James Shannon?

Of course I woke up in the wee small hours again from another nightmare, screaming and crying Marshall's name. But this time there was no Elizabeth to comfort me. I knew Marshall had heard me – not because we're that connected but because you'd have had to be deaf not to. I padded out to the kitchen for some banana cream pie. Marshall nearly made me drop my slice on the floor when he suddenly appeared. We kept our conversation strictly about Peanut and how I was feeling. The subject of us as partners beyond a two month period was not broached.

The surprising part came when he allowed me to follow him back to bed. I was making a conscious effort to let my walls down and I needed to be close to him after the horrors of my nightmare. I wasn't sure that he would let me back into his bed even in a platonic way after we had crossed the line. It was especially weird for me since I had read the letter and knew the images that filled his head, images of the two of us. But when I lay down, swaddled in his mother's afghan, and he placed his arm around my waist, resting his hand over my not-quite-there-yet baby bump, everything felt right.

It was then that I knew that this was the way things were supposed to be between us. And I would do whatever it took to make sure it stayed that way.

**TBC in "Realizations"

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***What a crazy dream, huh? (shudders) Who wants Elizabeth for their mama (or grandma?) Reviews are love!**


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